Modestly Yours

Love and Other Possibilities

The magic of film often lies in its ability to make the unimaginable real; the distant closer and bring us into a sense of kinship with our fellow human beings. I respect and admire those people who work in film, not for fame or purely mercenary motives but  for aspirational and idealistic reasons - they use their art as a medium to challenge preconceptions; invoke our compassion or incite a righteous anger at injustice.

Jake Gyllenhaal is one actor who prides himself on artistic integrity. A while ago he was quoted as saying "Aren't movies made to have something to say? Why make a movie if you don't have something to say? What are you doing it for? Are you doing it because you want to make a lot of money?"

And he has found something to say. Recently Mr Gyllenhaal has been busy promoting his latest film " Love and Other Drugs" in which he plays a Viagra Salesman who falls in love with a girl with Parkinsons Disease. Not your average romance, a typically quirky and challenging choice for the offbeat actor. I have not seen the film, nor do I wish to offer any  opinions about it here.

What is bizarre and thought provoking, however, is  Mr Gyllenhaal's comments in a recent  interview where he discusses family values and reveals his most earnest hopes for this latest film which are : "young people will see this movie and see that love and sex can actually be connected." (Italics mine).

Now this is not beyond the realms of belief is it? Or has it become so for a portion of society?

 

An Open Letter To Christina Aguilera

Dear Christina,

You don’t know me but you have been in the public eye for so long now that I cannot help but know a little about you, willingly or not. We have more differences than anything else, but we are similar ages and both mothers, and I would like to say a few things.

Starting your career as a talented child on that well-known springboard “The Mickey Mouse Club”,  you found recognition at an early age. When you grew into a young woman you emerged as a stunning pop ballad singer with a naturally strong voice and accessible teenage lyrics, i.e.: "Genie in a Bottle," "What a Girl Wants," etc.

Almost inevitably, having been a "manufactured" pop star,  as you grew you desired more artistic control and in 2002 we found out what that looked like when "Dirrty" exploded into the charts with your new, "more honest" styling: wearing strips of leather, seemingly angry and looking rather disheveled. You wailed loudly about dirt, being nasty and more clothes coming off which I found hard to imagine - you were wearing so little already! This was feminism, or at least your version of it, you insisted.

There were a few other songs after this: "Beautiful" being one I can remember which was a big ballad, not provocative, with an inclusive message. In your personal life you acquired a husband and appeared to find happiness. Perhaps you did for a while. But sadly, your marriage didn’t last. I know it’s not fashionable to express regret over a broken marriage (you may rather a high five and a congratulations. I don’t know).

Over the last couple of years, presumably busy with mother and wife-hood ( no need to be ashamed of this), you’ve seemed to lose the crown of pop-raunch to newcomer Lady Gaga who has usurped your cavalcade dirtiness with a blatant sexual sadism and apparent necrophiliac tendencies that would, more than likely, make the 2nd Earl of Rochester blush. Ms. Gaga is ubiquitously mainstream with a captive fan base aged four years old and up. You may feel some pressure to compete, I understand.

The 2750 complaints to Ofcom that followed your burlesque performance on prime-time family show "The X Factor" obviously didn't like being used, however. It may be “empowering”  for you to writhe around the stage in your underwear but some of us don’t think it’s suitable for our children to witness and, frankly, we’re pretty bored of it too.

I also hope for your sons sake that you develop a healthier attitude towards men and clarify your professed practice of “feminism” because the lyrical content on your new album, for example Bionic: I Hate Boys  “All these dirty little boys; they think that girls were only made for toys; ooh boys” (Then later you repeat )“ If you hate them boys, shake it, now shake it”, is, at times, inane, damaging and extremely self defeating. A little word, woman to woman: if you want those boys to stop treating you like a toy then take the tassles off; perhaps put a shirt on, and say something interesting.

You say you stand for female empowerment yet it seems to me that the base desires of the most voyeristic side of male nature are actually directly catered to and encouraged by your up-on stage style of exhibitionistic sexuality. Your "empowerment" is their entertainment. Tassels, shaking and all. But this is not news or even surprising, it is just accepted that words are empty, philosophies irrelevant and instead we should be rating your outfits, figure and strings of could-be relationships. We're getting far too comfortable being cynical and we expect so little.

All in all you seem to be exhibiting  the classic symptoms of a self destructive spiral, albeit a  very lucrative one, and unfortunately for us the media is, yet again, happily skipping along for the ride. For you this is a career, with buffers and big rewards but since you are professing a search for deep fulfilment and rebuking of female exploitation, I felt the need to respond and take you seriously.

I don't mean to single you out unnecessarily. And I understand that you have undertaken many charitable endevours and this, too, is part of your legacy. 

My argument is  ultimately with the current state of projected femininity: sex kittens with a rampant and ruthless exhibitionism, all under the guise of feminism. Yes it does work:  as a tool of promotion for the few top of the ladder performers, like yourself. But, this model does not translate into a workable or relevant outline in real people's lives in any tangible way. This is an idealism founded on selling, to put it mildly, false hope, not unlike the spin doctors who marketed cigarettes as a cure for sore throats all those years ago. 

The endless onslaught of meaningless claims and unchallenged hyperbole has to be confronted once in a while if have any regard for our females, our culture and ourselves. At different times in the past women had no voice in society,  now our voices are once again  rendered almost silent in the mainstream by their collective unquestioning, compliance to inane norms. We need the inner authority to be able to demand something different and more representative of human experience--something that has truth, not manipulation, at the core, if we value life at all.

For a moment, I'd like you to think back to when you said "I'm an ocean, because I'm really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures." and ask yourself if there is, within you now, any unexpectedness and real non-conformity, waiting to come out, and try expressing that. It may even be empowering in the real sense.

Best Regards,

Priya

Futility, vanity and other minor distractions

I read an interesting fact recently which caused me to rethink several of my unexamined conclusions. We often hear, or know somehow,  that vanity is a sin. It may be all around us like a glittering and appealing antidote to self doubt, but it is intrinsically wrong. It would not surprise me to learn that I am not the only one who has assumed that it is morally wrong to think of yourself as slightly or extremely, depending on your inclinations, superior to others because it will be insulting in some way to those who bear your comparison.

However, the original definition of the word is closer to the modern definition of futility or stupidity rather than the description of one who gazes endlessly upon ones own reflection, gleefully increasing in ones own estimated worth (arguably quite futile, but only one such example).

This etymological fact opened the door to many potential lessons within. We may be the proud owners of fabulous hair, dazzling intelligence or untold wealth but none of this is beyond decay, tragedy and total loss. Anything we are blessed with is a gift and not for ourselves, we will never be the recipients, only contributors to a shared existence. To feel smug or conceited about our strengths and attributes is to miss the point entirely.  

Nietzsche said “ Whether a man hides his bad qualities and vices or confesses them openly, his vanity wants to gain an advantage by it in both cases: just note how subtly he distinguishes between those he will hide his bad qualities from and those he will face honestly and candidly”

We are only ourselves and only for a short while. Now, where did I put that lipstick?

Tribal Truths...?

There is a big difference between understanding a hundred possible ways of approaching life and discovering the right and honest way to live your own. Despite being inundated with relationship theory and tactics, there is still the simple matter of suffering from a lack of meaning.

These are the issues that were explored on the Mentawai Tribe of Indonesia episode of BBC series Tribal Wives --where modern women place their, for one reason or another, somehow lacking lives on hold to answer some of the big questions that won't go away for them (be it failed relationships or workaholic tendencies) by going to live with an Indigenous Tribe for a while.  

From the few episodes I have seen, the exercises seem to reach similar conclusions for the participants: a re-acquaintance with the simpler inner needs for friendship, motherhood, and belonging.

To me, the most existentially revealing recurring theme is the acceptance and understanding the "Tribal" people featured have for other cultures, without having the instantaneous need to abandon, hide or question their own expression of how they value and honor life.

It seems that the more commitment we have to our own path, the more respect & understanding, it seems, we have to give to others. Being true to your own heart is not an insult to others' choices. 

I was thinking of this in reference to those who are so angry in attacking women and girls who believe in modesty. If they are happy with their own lives, why this need to make fun of those who believe in modesty?

Build For All Seasons

“I’m really not going to whack him in the face, Mum.”

I almost choked.  This line was delivered with smiling, innocent sincerity from my beloved 3-year-old daughter as she demonstrated her capacity for gentle affection for her brand-new 3-week-old brother by stroking his hair with just a touch too much enthusiasm and a slightly mad glint in her eye.

As a mother, what you do not get second time around, I am discovering, is the large vacuum empty of responsibilities in which to devote every waking (and sleeping) minute to the newborn child in your arms.  While I was still pregnant I reflected upon the fact that these months were to be the last that my daughter would have her mother as hers alone.  My daughter  and I discussed the baby frequently and her curiosity was piqued by every aspect of it: the midwife visits where the heartbeat was suddenly audible, the incredible swelling tummy and the idea that she could impart her well earned knowledge to this smaller being.  So far, though, the reality of baby brother had proven to be rather underwhelming; life was suddenly nothing more than hastily muttered instructions to “be a bit quieter please” and “you can do it yourself” accompanied with a noticeable decline in explicit adoration from strangers and family members alike when aforementioned baby was in tow.

It’s one thing, as a mother, to be aware of these changes your child is facing and quite another to actually be prepared for it. Most challenging of all can be your own expectations that life should be seamless and painless, especially where your own children are concerned; expecting too much of anyone, including yourself, is bound to end in tears. All too easy is the impulse to push these high ideals of behaviour onto your older child – becoming an intolerable tyrant in the twinkle of an eye.

I’m sure we’ve all read or heard something somewhere about the importance of “being kind to oneself”, this can become a rather abstract concept when the struggle to be reasonable and kind to your own children and others dominates your world. Is there a way to be ultra kind to yourself in a nanosecond so that you are able to cope competently with a moment that pounces out of nowhere requiring a level of piety not often found on the mortal plane? Well, I’m really not sure about that, it sounds rather like a Zen koan, a question designed only to frustrate.

Self-care is more likely to be effective when viewed as a routine requirement and being treated well becomes more comfortable and starts to “fit” and this new level of comfort is rather like a picnic mat that can be instantly whipped out – as large as you like – to accommodate anyone in need of a nourishing moment (including yourself).

One personal practical tip (as I write this I am fully aware of the line I walk between corny and cliché) is to write some loving and understanding letters or, if you’re feeling extravagant, sonnets devoted purely to yourself; relax and let the words sink in. Letters from another are simply divine but can be strangely absent when most are required.  Most problems with cruelty and intolerance can be traced back to inner turmoil, so buck the trend – change the world.

Love yourself first.