Modestly Yours

Anthony Weiner's Resignation and the Lesson We All Should Learn

This is cross posted on JewintheCity.com.

So Congressman Anthony Weiner has resigned. Apparently a politician involved in lewd online behavior, who lies about aforementioned lewd online behavior when caught, is frowned upon by the general public. But how many regular people have recently found themselves in an embarassing (albeit less extreme) situation when they assumed that their online indiscretions were discreet?

I'm talking about Facebook spam. Stories, pictures, and headlines have been popping up in my newsfeed of late, claiming that many of my Facebook friends have "liked" stories of a sexual, often voyeuristic nature. As giving people the benefit of the doubt is a big principle in Judaism, I have done my best to assume that some of the people caught this spam by accidentally clicking on a story in one of their friend's feed while others had their accounts hacked, but the truth is that probably many of these people were just curious to see whatever it was that the headline described and figured that no one would ever know.

But instead of no one ever knowing, the incident got broadcast to everyone they know! There's an idea in Judasim that God sometimes punishes us "mida k'neged mida" ("measure for measure") so that the punishment fits the crime. In this case it could mean that if we think we can get away with certain behaviors by sneaking around, then the punishment we receive is to have our misdeeds publicized. Apparently the creators of Facebook spam believe in this principle too!

While it's been embarassing to see such stories pop up, I think there's actually something useful about this phenomenon. When we navigate online, we often have the false impression that stories we read, the pictures we see, and the videos we watch are completely private. But as our sages tell us in Ethics of the Fathers, “…Know what is above you – a watchful Eye, an attentive Ear and all your deeds are recorded in a Book.”

Surfing the net alone in a room might make us feel like our activities are on the down low, but we must always remember that they are being recorded from Above. Since it's hard to connect with the goings-on of the Heavens, social media spam (or at least the fear of it) helps make the notion of being watched much more concrete. It's unfortunately too late for Anthony Weiner, but for the rest of us there's still a chance to save face.

Do Modest Girls Have More Fun?

I was interested to come across this blog that features modesty among its frequent topics.

It highlights the lighter side of modesty -- the fun of wearing vintage modest clothing, for example.

Outside of the serious, political aspects of modesty, could modesty just be more fun?

"The Shame"

Oh hey guys, don’t even worry about how long it’s been since I’ve posted here. I’ve been a little busy adjusting to a new city--  making friends, nesting in the new apartment, complaining about traffic, the usual. But, since moving here, I’ve become more acquainted with a new phenomenon some of my friends have embraced whole-heartedly, and to generally positive results: Internet dating*.

Recently I was chatting with some friends about this apparent epidemic (something like 20% of relationships begin online these days), and whether or not we should just succumb to it. One of my guy friends said something that first made me laugh, but then made me think: “Yea, I should probably just give in and try it out, but it’s just… the shame! I mean, what if someone I know sees me on there?!?”

My roommate and I quickly agreed—what if someone we know saw it? Not only would they see all the embarrassing stuff we put on our profile, but they would know we were desperate enough to turn to a dating site. Add to that the potential hundreds of men who would read our personal details while searching the sites, and it's an exposure level too high for my tastes. The risk of embarrassment inherent in the concept is enough to keep me far away from joining up, even though the ranks of my friends who’ve found love online continue to swell.

So ladies, and gents, the point is this: is this shame a legitimate part of being a modest lady, or is it just fear of the unknown? Are dating sites a useful way to meet and sort through potential mates more quickly, or do they totally kill the element of mystery that surrounds dating?

As of now, I want to believe that a desire for a little privacy, and a traditional courtship is still acceptable. I want that, even in a world where minute romantic details are instantly documented on our social networking sites, and where we're expected to fully and candidly reveal ourselves (complete with aspirations, personality, and taste in music) for anyone with a computer to see. I want a guy who's willing to put in a little more work than a few mouse clicks to get to know me, and I want to take the time to really understand him. Maybe that’s just me being old-fashioned, but I suppose it wouldn’t be the first time.

*I know a lot of you are already married and thus exempt from such absurdities, so feel free to skip this one, unless you want to relive the torturous days of your singledom. I am certain my misadventures will remind you that even if their breath is kind of gross in the morning, being married to your husband/wife is way better than having to date.