Modestly Yours

Embracing Your Feminine Side

I read a book recently with a controversial title: Created to Be His Helpmeet by Debra Pearl.  I can just see women bristling at this title, but hear me out.  It was a life-and-marriage-changing book for me.  It was a book that you wanted to throw against the wall, but then it compelled you to pick it up again and finish it. (And then throw it again!)

The premise of the book was basically this: women have lost their femininity, their soft side, their respect and admiration for their husbands, their enjoyment of their children, their love for compassion and good deeds.  Women have become experts at nagging, being bitter, picking people and situations apart, withholding affection from their husbands, jealousy and being dissatisfied with the simple things in life such as cooking and making their house a cozy home.

The author paints a fitting word picture that a woman practicing negativity is like a person practicing the piano.  Even if the piano player has little to no musical skill, if she practices it enough, she will eventually play that piano with ease.  So it is with women practicing negativity and criticism in their marriages.  If we practice this for years and years in our marriages and with our children, we will become so good at it that we won't even realize that we are hitting the notes of discord in our lives, to the detriment of our families.

She compares a negative attitude with our families and our husbands to "emotional adultery".  What our husbands need the most from us is respect, correct?  How many times do we anger our husbands with our sharp words of criticism and complaint?  Which is worse....the husband having a one night affair or the wife spending year upon year nagging him, cutting him down, mocking him in front of family and friends, emasculating him?  When such a man finally has had enough and leaves, even then this woman gets to play the victim card.

She encourages the reader to rethink her words and actions in the marriage.  Do you really want to continually cut your man down to size?  This is the man that you promised at the altar to love and HONOR on your wedding day.  Why shouldn't you put his interests first?  You put your children's interests first, why not your husband's?  Why shouldn't you show him love and respect in front of your children?  He is their father and he loves them!  Why shouldn't you speak highly of him in front of others?  What are you accomplishing by treating him like an idiot like the women in commercials and sitcoms do?  

He is not an idiot.

He loves his children, often works long hours, comes home tired and many times still has work to do when he gets home.  So what if his style of parenting is different then yours!  Your kids need both styles.  Let him parent.

So what if you think he's too hard on the kids.  They need to learn discipline!  

So what if he wants sex when you don't.  How many nights has he been exhausted and yet has stayed up late to hear you talk non stop about some trivial family squabble or held you while you cried because you had PMS?  Treat him as you would like to be treated.  Don't use your many excuses to rebuff his advances....I'm too fat, I'm too old, I'm tired, I'm not in the mood, I'm having a bad hair day...etc, etc, etc.  He doesn't care about your baby weight or your stretch marks!  He loves you!  He doesn't want a Victoria's Secret model, he wants to show his wife that he loves her by being close to her.

Just last night, I was sitting on the couch relaxing and my husband was taking apart the bathroom drain and cleaning out the stinky mold so that it would drain better.  He'd already worked a 9-hour day, plus commute, plus playing with the kids, plus reading to them and putting them to bed.  Do we fully appreciate the sacrifices and devotion that our husbands give to us?  Or have we become experts at negativity and criticism?

Love, honor and respect your husband and he will treat you like a queen.  If not, even the most patient of men will look for it elsewhere later on in life and you will be the plumber working on the pipes late at night.

You know you've seen it.  Bitter older women, raising children through the difficult teen years...alone...working the night shift at the grocery checkout....Don't be that woman.

Be the wife that your husband needs you to be and embrace being loving, soft, tender and most of all, content.  Why do we shy away from these wonderful attributes?  It is natural for us!

I know I'm going to get hammered for this blog, but...thoughts?  Ladies?  :)

Women Speak Up about Megan Fox; Letter to the Editor, Allure 2010

I came across a letter to the editor the other day in the August 2010 Allure magazine that completely caught me by surprise. The previous month's Allure had featured Megan Fox on the cover, with an interview and photo spread inside. I'd read the interview, but I can honestly say that I don't recall much of anything about it except for the fact that Miss Fox likes to use the F-word. Sadly, that was my lasting impression.

Apparently I wasn't the only one who was disappointed by Miss Fox's constant use of four-letter words.

While reading Megan Fox's repeated uses of the "F-bomb", I was reminded of Proverbs 11:22: "Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion." Miss Fox is indeed one of the most beautiful women in the world, but her limited vocabulary makes her incredibly unattractive.

                                                                                                       Amanda Cooper, St. Petersburg, Fl

I found this letter shocking because it was right on the money, someone had the chutzpah to say it and because the magazine actually published it (especially surprising!). I'm tempted to write a letter to the editor to thank her for printing this letter to the editor.

Amanda Cooper wasn't the only reader who was disappointed in both Fox and Allure. Others wrote in and complained. They used words like, "snooty...self-centered, immature, and unfriendly", and in retrospect, after remembering more of the interview, I reluctantly had to agree that she did come across that way.

There's a part of me that feels bad for Miss Fox and the criticism her interview received since she's quite young and impressionable herself. She's entering the world of womanhood in Hollywood, perhaps one the most hostile environments in which to be a woman. This is a place where it seems it's expected that young women prove their maturity by being sexy, mouthy, provocative and risque as much as possible. Apparently, being even marginally nice isn't cool.

But, I'm glad that there are women who are willing to speak up and let it be known that not everyone is impressed by the bad-girl attitude and constant use of foul language. Some of us would enjoy reading interviews that highlight a woman's substance, her point of view and her life experience. And perhaps a more expansive vocabulary. There may be times when the use of swear word adds some punctuation to a statement (at least to some...I tend not to agree), but with constant use that effect is lost (if it ever existed in the first place) and the "limited vocabulary" just ends up reflecting poorly on the speaker, as Miss Cooper's letter proves. 

Thank you Amanda Cooper, for saying what many of us were thinking. You hit the nail on the head.

Insight from Gidget

So last night I watched "Gidget" with my mom. I had never seen it before. Towards the end of the movie "Gidget" is complaining to her mom about boys and whatnot and the mom takes her over to the wall and tells Gidget to look at her grandmother's sampler - it says, "A real woman brings out the best in a man." Gidget rolls her eyes and says "Try telling that to today's guys ..." I wanted to laugh out loud. It's like the more things change, the more they stay the same. Wanna know the kicker? This movie, "Gidget," came out in 1959!!!!! In the end it works and all is well but I wonder if the movie had been made today, would she have succeeded being true to herself or would she have given in and changed? Have any of you seen this movie, and what do you think?

Why is Twilight so popular?

According to Mary Kassian, this is why: 

"A young woman intuitively yearns for someone who will pursue her, protect her, and cherish her beauty and vulnerability. She yearns for a man to love her at a deep personal and emotional level—and not just a physical, sexual one. Regardless of culture’s attempts at egalitarian brainwashing, the man of her dreams is still a strong, handsome prince charming who fights for her, and rescues her. He loves her, commits to her, and selflessly sets aside personal interest for the sake of her best interest." 

Click here if you wish to read Mary Kassian's article in its entirety.  

While reading the above quote, I thought of a scene in Eclipse, when Edward explains to Bella his views about sex, marriage, romance, and courtship. Edward tells Bella:

"I come from a different era. Things were a lot less complicated. And if I would have met you back then, I would have courted you. We'd have taken chaperoned strolls, and iced tea on the porch. I may have stolen a kiss or two. Only after asking your fathers permission, I would have gotten down on one knee, and I would have presented you with a ring."

In Edward's mind, sex, love, and commitment are inextricably connected. Bella calls his views "ancient," but at the same time, she is affected enough by the beauty of his beliefs about love that she accepts his proposal. Just as the "old-fashioned" beauty of these views appeal to Bella, they also appeal to the young girls in our sex-saturated society who are longing for true romance. 

What do you think? Is Twilight appealing because of its unfashionable views on romance, rather than in spite of them? If Twilight does indeed present a more fulfilling version of romance than that which is presented most often in our society, are its positive elements enough to outweigh its negatives?

Facebook PDAs....Can You Say TMI???

The other day a friend I were talking about Facebook and the variety of public messages we see posted that catch us off guard. In particular we were discussing the phenomenon of Facebook PDAs, or public displays of affection. As anyone who's been subject to an actual, in-person PDA can attest, they can be awkward for the poor souls caught within view of the spectacle. One minute you're sitting in the food court enjoying some cheese fries and a Coke and the next thing you know there's some pretty young thing getting mauled...I mean kissed...by her boyfriend at the next table.

Yeah. 

Well, what about the social networking version of  the PDA? Have you been subject to one of these? Have you made the mistake of accepting friend requests from a pair of love birds who don't either don't know or don't care that the messages they post on each others walls end up getting posted on all of their friend's home pages as well?

The friend I was speaking to about this mentioned a couple that we are both friends with online and their constant lovey-dovey-mushy-gushy posts on each others walls. The posts aren't exactly vulgar or obscene, but they're still intimate. They're the kind of things that a couple would usually share during a quick snuggle while waiting for the coffee to brew in the morning or while cuddling on the couch, sneaking in a smooch during a commercial break. Just like that hands-on couple at the next table in the food court, they are oblivious to the fact that other people aren't interested in observing  their romantic interactions, even if it's just a Facebook wall post. 

So my friend and I are wondering what we do about the problem. Do we say something? It's certainly tempting to toss out a "Get a room" in the comments section, but that seems just as inappropriate as the status itself. So do you un-friend them, hide them or just plain ignore them?

We haven't come to a consensus about the correct response yet, and I suppose every situation is a little different depending on your own relationship with the "offenders", but how would you handle a situation like this?

I enjoy being a girl

This sketch  made me laugh but it also made me think. Women often get stuck on the things on what makes us different. Women often don't like each other for whatever reason.

I think there have to be some things all women can agree on, even if it is a community based on some small commonality. I posed a question to my friends, What is one of your favorite things about being female?

I got a variety of answers ranging from makeup to strength to social progress. So out of curiosity i pose the same question to you plus one..do you think women will ever be able to get along on a large scale?

Piece of Meat?

Like most people who have a good idea of the inherent dignity they possess as simply being human, I don't enjoy being viewed as a piece of meat. Contrary to my personal wishes, however, it seems that there are men in the world who actually like the concept of treating "certain people" as pieces of meat. "Certain people"--meaning women.

My job is very near to my home, and on sunny, breezy days I like to walk to and from work. Today was one of those days. This morning, I was standing on the street corner waiting for the light to change, when a rather rude individual blared a long and obnoxious blare on his car horn. I glanced around and realized that he wasn't honking at another car; he was honking at me. It didn't bother me too much though, as this sort of thing does happen occasionally, and I hadn't lost anything by it.

At the end of the day I started my walk back home, having mostly forgotten about the car horn incident. I was once again detained at a street corner due to traffic. A guy drove past me and let a loud "Wooooo!" out his car window. Hardly a few seconds had passed when another car sped by from another direction, and gave a saucy beep. I actually was able to react and see the driver of the last car--a very nice car--and noted a professionally dressed businessman.

Three strikes in one day. By this point I had become extremely angry, and during the remainder of my walk I became more and more angry as I thought it over. It wasn't even that I was looking for attention by casting gazes at the guys who drove by, or dressing skimpily. (For the record, I was wearing an elbow-length blouse and a skirt that reached my knees.) Who do these men think they are? I'm sure if you asked these guys if they supported a woman's right to vote, they would agree wholeheartedly. I'm sure if you asked them if they supported a woman's rights in the workplace, they would agree wholeheartedly. If they didn't, they'd be branded as sexist. It's not considered Nice to be against the rights of women, you see. But despite this, they still find it perfectly acceptable to honk and bother young women who are minding their own business on the sidewalk.

I wonder, how would these men like it if their wives or girlfriends or sisters or daughters were treated in such a way? Would they grin as their loved ones were subject to being objectified by total strangers? I haven't lost such faith in the human race as to think that they would. But with people today, you never know.

I know that some people would probably view these incidents as "no big deal" and tell me to get over it. It's not as though someone tried to assault me, or even hit on me. The guys were just honking their horns and shouting "Whoooooo!" like so many other guys do. It's no big deal, some people would say. But I say no. I view any behavior like this, however trivial, as an insult to my dignity as a human being.

I am not saying that the entire male species is like these three jerks who passed me today. I am very fortunate to know many guys who respect me and make a point to uphold my dignity as a human being and as a woman. I am honored and so extremely grateful to know these men. 

But I felt that I could not let this incident go by without sharing my thoughts about it. Not only as a woman, but as a human person, I demand that my dignity be respected. "Equal rights" for men and women mean zilch until both are treated with the same dignity and respect that they deserve.