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June 29, 2010

Comments

Nurit Weizman

This is such a beautiful post, Lisa. In the Orthodox Jewish community, women are believed to take on a higher level of spirituality after getting married. And the more holy someone becomes, the more modesty is valued. I'm really blown away by the sense of happiness and self-awareness you described and how it stems from what you value as truly special.

Melissa May

I relate to so many points you made in this post, Lisa. I too am bothered by the awkward sense a familiarity that strangers sometimes try to apply to their interactions with me, especially when trying to sell me something I don't want! (Of course I was able to stop the door-to-door sales problem with a "No Soliciting" sign, but that's another topic for another day.)

I like how you say that you sometimes feel you were meant for a different time and place. The older I get the more I feel that way, as well. I long for a better distinction between the casual and the formal. There's nothing better than close friends and family with whom you feel comfortable letting your hair down, so to speak, and being vulnerable and even casual. But when every relationship and interaction, even with a salesperson, takes on a casual, faux-friendly air, the distinction between friend and stranger gets weird, you know?

I guess this just goes back to the idea of keeping public and private more separate, something our culture seems to have completely lost it's ability to do.

Sarah M

What an honest post. I often think this way, though not necessarily how I am dressed when I open the door (in our old neighborhood we had a lot of door-to-door visits, and I can *definitely* relate with the children factor!) but in how respectful it is to even hang out with male friends alone after marriage-- I feel this is a similar idea.
This might be a no-brainer for some people & certain cultures, but for me I had to take into account that our society/feminism would think it would be ridiculous for the other spouse to be asked to NOT hang out with their friends (opposite sex, alone) after they're married.
Ultimately it was an easy decision for me, since of course I want to respect my husband, and honoring him by not seeing my old guy friends on an individual basis spoke worlds to him...that HE was the one I respected most.

As a side note, I rarely answer the door when alone unless I know who the person is. I'm just not interested in whatever 'bargain' they might be giving out. More than likely I don't need it :)
Sarah M

Lisa Nash

Sarah, I so know what you are talking about -- I had a moment shortly after I started dating my husband, when I realized that those "non romantic" coffee dates had no place in my life anymore, and it was a weird moment. I felt like I should feel oppressed by it, or something, but I didn't -- that is why this feeling of married modesty is so interesting to me -- because it occurred all on its own, not because of an outside force telling me I ought to feel that way.

Brian Jones

"My happiness is deeper, more solid, more based on who I am than who I know..."

Do you have to be married to achieve this? While I agree there are a lot of nice things about being married, I just thought this would be an interesting question to explore.

Brian.

Boyd

Even if it is subconscious, imagine how special your husband must feel that you reserve more of yourself for only him.

This is how couples are supposed to treat and feel about each other; how they used to anyway, and it has largely been lost today to a societal push to always be 'presenting' in a sexually charged environment.

Ranee @ Arabian Knits

This is something that my husband and I have discussed. Neither of us does anything with anyone of the opposite sex without the other being a part. Part of that is not even showing the appearance of evil, or allowing others to speculate about what is going on in a situation like that, but mostly, it is out of respect for our spouse. He has told me that he just sees no situation where he wouldn't include me in an activity with a friend of his who is female. He cannot understand why that would come up, barring some sort of emergency rescue type situation.

We have found more passion for each other, and more energy for each other, because we have reserved that kind of feeling and energy solely for our spouse.

I do not like the familiarity people (men and women) take with me when they don't know me. I expect people to call me Mrs. ___ unless we have a family relationship or I have clarified that they can call my by my first name. We teach our children to use titles and last names, for instance, and if someone is more familiar that becomes Mr/Mrs/Miss first name. We want them to understand that there is a level of respect and formality that is required in social interaction.

I think the two are tied.

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