The Ballet Battle

I am the blessed mom of three wonderful offspring: girl, boy, girl.  This ballet- inspired epistle is mainly about my oldest daughter and her experiences in the wonderful world of dance.

From the time Chloe could walk, she danced.   From the time she could talk, she talked about being a ballerina--much to my dismay.  Not that I have anything against ballerinas, mind you, I just am SO not a stage mom and I had concerns about eating disorders, mangled toes and strange men in tights tossing my daughter into the air.  As most of you experienced moms can attest, these battles, if not properly fought with skill and cunning, are soon lost.  Before I knew what hit me, I found myself searching for a ballet studio for my 5-year-old prima ballerina.

We settled on a small studio in our area and once a week I dutifully took Chloe to ballet and peeked through the small window whilst juggling a baby on one hip and tossing cheerios to a bored toddler rolling around on the floor.  As the year came to a close, the inevitable end-of-year program began to be practiced in the weekly class.  I was clueless on many fronts.  The first area of cluelessness involved my checkbook.  Wait, HOW much are those itty bitty costumes?  We have to also pay a performance fee?  AND buy tickets?

Alright, so we pay with the knowledge that we will be able to go to a wonderful performance and see our adorable child  prance about on stage in a costume that is smaller than the check that we wrote for it.   Let’s call it a glorified bathing suit with tights.  I feel a little bit unsettled, but this reaction is nothing compared to my husband’s when he realizes that not only will his daughter be on stage in her wonderful bathing-suit-masquarading-as-a-costume, but she is ALSO required to wear makeup and LOTS of it.  Mascara, heavy eyeliner, bright red lipstick, foundation, blush….did I leave anything out?

So, against our better judgment, we go along.  The grandparents are invited and the big day is here.  At the college campus auditorium, we settle in for what is promised to be an adorable performance with tots exhibiting their little ballet moves and tiny tap routines.

I am telling you, I really should have known better and maybe unconsciously I suspected something, but that something was so elusive that I couldn’t quite grasp what was going to happen.

Out trot the differing classes of performers.  The audience claps and laughs at their antics.  It really was that cute.  Then, we are REALLY in for a treat!  The older classes are going to dazzle us with their much anticipated routines! The lights go down and the crowd hushes.  Suddenly, loud pounding music echoes through the auditorium, flashing lights pulse on the stage and the older girls prance out.

I feel my jaw fall open and panic rises up within me as I realize that the three men that I’ve brought to this program--my son, my husband and my father--are all going to be treated to a raunchy, stripper-style dance by 16-year-old children.

The girls were dressed in bright red outfits that barely covered their rears.  Fishnet stockings, high heeled boots and laced up corsets completed the look.  As these children (for that is what they were) began to shimmy and run their hands up and down their bodies, I snatched up my young and impressionable son and hightailed it out of there.  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see my father shifting uncomfortably in his chair, staring at the floor and my husband looking up at the ceiling.

I remember standing in the lobby, so angry and dismayed that I was almost in tears.  These were children in there!  Children dancing like strippers in a roomful of fathers and brothers, friends and family.  These girls had been taught this sexy routine and dressed in these incredibly revealing outfits for what purpose?  For entertainment?  For fun?

Needless to say, I wrote a letter to the proprietress of the dancing establishment.  I expressed my deep disappointment and my disgust at the dance routines of the older girls.  I challenged her to think seriously about what these dances are teaching these young and impressionable girls.  Is this where their worth is?  Showing off their bodies to older men?  They were so young and they’re falling for this incredible lie that their worth is bound up in how provocatively they can dance and whip a crowd up.  Is there not a way to practice the art of dance without making it into something sleazy?

I suppose everyone can guess what the answer I got was.  If I didn’t like it, I could take my business elsewhere.  After all, these parents knew what their girls were doing and her business certainly isn’t hurting.  This woman also advised me to “go and watch Dancing With the Stars.”  I guess she felt compelled to broaden my horizons.

I’m sorry, but I do not want to broaden my horizons if it means sacrificing my daughter’s morality to the wolves of lust.  I took my daughter and my money elsewhere and you know what?  She got accepted into the Raleigh School of Ballet.  It is a phenomenal school, the girls wear modest leotards and at the end of the year performance, they get to earn a lovely skirt that goes with their leotard color.  Last year Chloe performed on stage and I was so proud of her grace and beauty that it brought tears to my eyes.  She has also has the opportunity to perform in the North Carolina Ballet’s Nutcracker and she did a phenomenal job.

So, be encouraged modesty moms.  There are good programs out there.  There are other people who care about the morals of their children.  There are dads who would rather die than see their little girls dressed as hookers, performing blush- inducing routines.

Don’t be discouraged and never give in.  The future rewards for your little girl are too great for us to lose steam now and the future consequences are too horrific if we weaken or lose our grip on what we know to be good and right and true.

As we all can attest, our heartfelt thanks will always be extended to the courageous ones like Wendy Shalit.  Thanks, Wendy!  We owe a lot to you.

Comments

[Jamie]

I had the same problem with a dance at my daughters school where grinding was deemed appropriate for middle school children--I think adults are living out their youth to the detriment of the children.It is of course usually the older adults who are most keen on being "cool"; who cares what they think someone must stand up for the children!

[M.]

Good for you!

[Robin Goodfellow]

If your daughter likes dancing, and you're worried about modesty... also be sure to encourage her in dances _other_ than Tango if she ever seems interested. Proper Tango hold effectively places crotch to crotch.

Yes, for "fine" arts, you probably need to seek out an older, almost "stuffy" school if you want a more refined, modest approach.

But as far as performance make-up is concerned... have you ever been on stage before? All the items you mentioned have a legitimate purpose on stage; they are NOT used to make anyone look particularly whorish. In one or two children's musicals, as a kid, I wore just as much make-up (with exception of mascarra, I think, because I'm a guy). The point of the make-up is so that you look "normal" under bright stage lighting. If your daughter wasn't wearing make-up, under bright lights, she would have overly pale skin and look like she has no lips/eye lashes/etc.

Fishnet stockings? Yeah, maybe that's a bit much. But the make-up has a legitimate purpose in regards to stage craft.

[Alexandra Foley]

Great post. I have had this problem myself and have heard others say that Irish Dance is a good alternative (though we haven't done it). I am just so glad that you found an alternative. I would think there would be a booming business for "pure" dance classes.
Great to have you aboard, Cady.

[Wendy]

Thanks for the kind words, Cady!

I hope you keep speaking out. The reason people are so eager to personally attack those who express more "modest" views is precisely because they know what a difference it makes. I bet you were expressing the views of a lot of parents, but most did not have the courage you did and just went along with it.

Speaking of gyration, check out this depressing new show:

http://tlc.discovery.com/tv/toddlers-tiaras/toddlers-tiaras.html

[Christine the Soccer Mom]

I agree about the stage makeup. My daughter is wearing much more makeup than I do (normally), but I also understand it's for the stage and that without it, her face would disappear beneath the lights.

She's been in tap and ballet here, but the tap costumes have become more revealing, and I am pulling tap next year. I'll figure out something to get her to practice for ballet only next year, especially if it conflicts with her sister's sports practices, but I cannot have her prancing around in immodest costumes. And the other routines - hip hop especially - are just horrible. I have toyed with switching her to the ballet company in the area (they, too, do a Nutcracker every year) if I feel the influence is too much.

I really applaud your letter, though. I hadn't thought of writing about the dance routines for the hip hop classes, but I certainly don't approve of the moves or the music used in the class.

[Jamie]

I see the point if it were a Broadway production but how much makeup do these tots need? There are just parents in the audience!

[Caroline]

I just found this blog and find it fascinating in topic, and this post particularly so!

In high school my friends and I watched the cheerleaders and pom squad with horror, while we sat on the sidelines in our baggy woolen marching-band uniforms. My two best friends were very Christian and the three of us -- though I am not religious at all -- were equally annoyed and offended, based on shared values that don't necessarily have anything to do with scripture.

[Marauder]

When I was a little kid, I was just dying to be in a dance class like the ones my cousins were in, with the sequined outfits and feathered headdresses and bright makeup. They got studio pictures taken with each new costume and my grandma would show the pictures to everyone.

Instead, my mom put me in a ballet class taught by a teacher whose entire family had extensive professional ballet experience, and I had to wear a black leotard with sleeves, light pink tights, and light pink ballet slippers. We didn't have receitals. I thought it was boring and hard and quit as soon as my mom would let me (she made me stick it out for two years).

Then in high school, I was in a dance performance that our school did every winter. You didn't have to have any experience, and while the really good dancers got put in a lot of dances, everybody was in at least three (out of about fifteen). It was a Catholic school, so nobody was allowed to wear anything racy, but in one dance the other girls and I all wore black slacks and satiny red shirts. Our dance was to a concert version of "Proud Mary", and everybody loved it so much that the people in charge of the upcoming talent show (a separate event) actually asked us to enter with it.

What I loved about that whole experience was that we got to do a fun dance, be on stage, have everyone cheering, and it was more about attitude and the dance itself than what we looked like. It was fun like the stuff my cousins had gotten to do, only without all the heavy makeup. I wish when I was a little kid there'd been some other alternative.

[petrufied]

I'm happy that you stood up for what you feel is best for your kids. If I am a mom I would have done the same! Am also glad you found a better place for your daughter to learn ballet and I think with the right mindset she can be a very awesome ballerina :D

In dance and theater, though, makeup is a requirement--true, your face will disappear if you didn't wear any. I guess a parent can use this as a takeoff point to teach his/her daughter about what makeup is for. On its own, it's not really something that makes a kid grow up too soon--it's how it is used, the reasons behind its use, that separates a kid onstage from a woman getting ready for a job interview, or a date. Why don't you try asking your daughter what she thinks of the makeup?

I have a friend who is 10 years old--she's part of our puppet-theater group. In one scene in our play, she steps out onstage as a golden deer and we have to give her makeup--which in this case is a lot like face paint. She loves the role but she thinks the makeup is itchy, and after every show she's only too glad to wash it off. :D

[Patricia]

This is a great article, thanks so much for sharing!

By speaking up, you are already making a difference!

[Sally]

Yes, I have a problem with this too. My daughter does dance at a vrey professional studio that does not allow the type of raunchy dancing you saw--although some years we skate closer to the edge than others. What I have been appalled at is "show choir" programs at some high schools--I've seen some incrediably sleazy stuff and like you have covered my son's eyes. So far the actual cheerleaders and marching band flag/pom squards are OK, but the high shcool also has "dance teams" that perform at half-time and they are appalling. Thankfully my very modest daughter does NOT want to be what she calls a "field decoration".

[Paolo Bataller]

These days, such "dirty dancing" is getting out of hand. The problem here in the Philippines is that you see a lot of noontime shows featuring scantily-clad women doing sleazy dances. The reason is to better attract the "masses"(or so they say).
But children also watch these shows and I'm concerned that they may get the wrong impression that such dancing is considered "normal" and totally appropriate.

[Saidahwk]

I just found this blog and I really enjoy it, by the way!

I grew up in lots of dance and gymnastics and it's really a matter of mentality. Having done mostly ballet, jazz and gymnastics, most of us weren't wearing make up to look "pretty," or "cute," but because it was apart of a costume. 5-year-olds don't think make up is pretty unless people tell them "oh, look how pretty your make up is!" Most kids (and even teenagers) just think that the amount of make up you have to wear on stage is just uncomfortable. Having been involved in dance and gymnastics and acrobatics for 20 years, I can say that you can find good clubs and studios; you just have to really look for them.

[Hannah]

Oi vay. I can't say I'm at all surprised by your experience--just so saddened. How is a striptease "healthy" or appropriate? The logic the proprietress of the dancing academy must've used escapes me.