Modestly Yours

Bring Back the Hope Chest

The Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute (CBLPI) is challenging young college women to get as many of their college friends as they can to sign up to receive a free copy of the “Luce Ladies” 2008 calendar.  “The Lady with the most names wins an authentic, cedar-lined hope chest filled with $1000 worth of fantabulous stuff for her future marriage – and a $500 contribution toward the big day.”

What a brilliant idea!

During a month when The Vagina Monologues insult women (and men) across the nation, and New York City health officials tell city-dwellers to “get some” through a mass condom distribution campaign, CBLPI is encouraging women to set their sights (and hearts) on marriage instead of sex.

Common misconceptions about medieval marriage law and customs associate hope chests and dowries with women being devalued as property.  In reality, these traditions carried with them no such degradation.  Hope chests were simply used to store the hand-made goods and other items that a woman wished to bring to her future marriage.  Essentially, a hope chest was part of her preparation for those first couple years of marriage, and, as the name suggests, symbolized her hope in marriage.

I actually think it a shame this tradition has died out.  Many of the happiest couples I know, be they newlywed or not, admit that much of their marital happiness is due to being dedicated to their spouse, even before knowing who their spouse would be. In other words, before marriage (and sometimes even before meeting their future spouse) they would pray for him/her, and certainly they would save themselves sexually for him/her. 

Their love for and fidelity to each other did not start upon saying “I do,” but was rather developed and strengthened long before then.  A hope chest could very easily assist such spousal commitment by orienting a young woman’s thoughts and heart in that direction.  The more she thinks about her future husband and prepares for life with him, the less likely she will be to get distracted from this goal through casual relationships.  Her hope chest would serve as a reminder of her future husband and their life together, thereby strengthening her love and commitment to him.

Whether you can participate in this competition or not, I propose we follow CBLPI’s lead.  Let’s help young women hope for happy and stable marriages in the future by preparing well for marriage today.

 

In Pursuit of the Perfect Pout

On a recent outing to purchase a new tube of lip gloss, I accidentally bought a lip plumper instead. I didn't realize my mistake until I applied the darn thing and tasted pain instead of the berry flavor I was expecting. In the words of Paris Hilton, I thought to myself, "that's hot."

What in heaven's name is this stuff? It's like punishment in a bottle. My lips didn't even look any plumper, they just felt plumper, like the way a bee sting feels plump. As I scrambled to find the nearest icepack, I was reminded of a quote that I saw in February's Allure magazine. Meryl Streep's daughter, actress Mamie Gummer, told Allure "I have chapped lips and I'm psyched about it. They look very voluminous and swollen and kind of painful - but totally hot."  (If hearing your daughter explain such logic doesn't make a mother proud, I don't know what would.)

So I guess it's official then. Hot, painful lips are in. But why do we women do this to ourselves? I tried explaining my exasperation to my husband who reminded me that I sometimes wear shoes that  hurt my feet. And it's true. I do. But the difference between painful shoes and lip plumper is that when I put the shoes on, they always start out feeling comfortable. It's only once I've left the house and can no longer change into a more sensible pair that my feet start to hurt. Every time. But I would never in my right mind buy a pair of shoes that were painful when I first tried them on. That's like the first rule of shoe trying on - do they fit? Can you walk around in them? And honestly, when my shoes get too intolerable once I'm out, I usually end up chucking them anyway.

But to regularly apply a product that is supposed to burn and sting every time you use, just in the hopes of looking "sexier" seems nothing short of masochistic to me.  So what do you think? Should we mouth off on this one or just grin and bare it?

Modesty and the Millionaire's Club

Having become hooked on the endlessly entertaining “Project Runway” my attention has lately turned to another Bravo program, “The Millionaire Matchmaker.”

If you haven’t caught it, the show is about the labors of Patti Stanger, a modern-day matchmaker who specializes in finding dates for wealthy men too busy or too shy to do it themselves. Her company, The Millionaire’s Club, promises long-term committed relationships with the ultimate aim of marriage. After paying a hefty fee these fellows submit to a thorough review and consult with Patti on everything from their hopes and desires for a “dream girl” to their choices in fashion and home décor. Once Patti deems a man sufficiently committed to the process, she takes him on and begins to open his world to the joys of purposeful dating.

At first glance, this looks like a typical exploitative and exhibitionist reality show. But when you start to get to know Patti, you begin to see one very old-fashioned girl under all that lip gloss and high-tech. For one thing, she’s only interested in matchmaking clients with “pure motives”—that is, the ones who really want a wife and a soul mate. Serial daters or men (and women) just looking for a swinging hook-up are summarily dismissed. As Patti hotly points out, “I’m not Heidi Fleiss”.

For proof, just look to her “Dating Commandments”: these ten rules for the ladies read like a primer from Miss Manners. The demands are heavy on things like:

1) Being polite (return calls promptly)

2) Honoring your commitments (follow through on promises)

3) Being ladylike (modest consumption of alcohol; no drugs; polite discourse—no discussion of failed relationships or emotional baggage; no overnight home visits!

4) No gold digging (though it may be argued this is time-honored, if nothing else)

5) No overt gifts, such as any gift purchased for the man in front of him, but plenty of give and take, including a home-cooked meal!

6) No sex, period. Women are admonished to wait until the relationship becomes committed and monogamous.

The kicker? No shacking up! According to Patti, the mystery goes out of a relationship when two people live together before getting wed.  On that last issue, Patti argues that “it takes four seasons to get to know a man” and that if he hasn’t proposed by the end of a year, you need to move on.

Before anyone gets red-faced over the rules for the women, please note that the men have even more—15 commandments to the girls’ ten. These cover much the same territory as the rules for the ladies, but in greater detail, with even more emphasis on the importance of treating her like a lady and being a gentleman oneself.

It makes for an interesting discussion. Patti is a self-described “third-generation matchmaker”. Her mother and grandmother were free-lance (and fee-free!) yentas with very successful track records. Patti may have taken the tradition into the 21^st century with a high-tech twist—and a profit motive—but her approach and basic morality is not that far afield from the Jewish tradition of making happy and long-lasting matches for singles.

She may be bucking the social tide of casual hook-ups but as evidence of the need for and interest in her services, her show is a hit and her Millionaire’s Club idea is being successfully franchised in other parts of the country as well as abroad.

So, what do you think?

Modesty is for Everyone!

In her article "Too Much Skin is Unflattering" fellow Modestly Yours blogger Mary O'Hayes posed the question of why religious communities tend to emphasize modesty.

I certainly cannot speak on behalf of all religious people, or even on behalf of all religious Jews. That said, religious Jews dress modestly both because we have a tradition of doing so, and because it's part of our code of ethical behavior.

We cover up our bodies so that we can better express our souls. Overexposure of flesh is not only distracting, it is does not befit a "daughter of the King." This does not mean that the body is considered bad or impure. The body is a necessary and beautiful vehicle for the soul. But the Jewish tradition considers the light of the soul to shine primarily through the face, whereas the rest of the body does not emanate the soul with the same intensity.

Intuitively, we all know this to be true. Isn't the way to relate most deeply to another is by focusing on the light in her eyes, or the depth of her facial expressions? Emphasizing the light of the face belongs to everyone, regardless of spiritual tradition. Who doesn't want to be seen foremost for what is inside?

I think modesty is for everyone!

A Touching Moment of Modesty

I consider my cousin to be the most beautiful woman I know. Everything about her twenty-one-year-old figure, skin, lips, eyes, cheek bones--you name it, is sculpted to perfection.  Not only is she perfectly gorgeous, but more importantly, she is a kind, self confident, and happy person.

In short, I love and admire her very much.  That is why I was extremely excited when she decided to extend her trip to Israel and come stay with me for a few days.  During this time, we shared many special conversations. One of these conversations sticks out of my mind more than any other. 

As a modern Orthodox Jewish institution, my school requires that all of the women who attend my school or walk around the campus wear modest clothing with a high neckline and skirts that fall below the knee.  Since she was staying in my dorm, my cousin was asked to follow the same dress code.

It happened as we were walking down a flight of stairs towards the train station. She suddenly said, "I love skirts! I feel so much more free in them than pants!  I feel so much less self conscious!  It's so much easier to concentrate when you aren't worrying about how everyone is judging your body in your clothing." 

Hearing this from my cousin was surprising, because she rarely wears this style of clothing.  I just thought she never payed attention to the constant stares she got.

For me, this experience really encompassed the essence of what makes modesty the real path towards female empowerment.