Is Self Esteem Just Sex Appeal?

Picture the scene: several American tourists sit around a Shabbos table in Jerusalem. The hostess is both fashionably dressed and covered from head to toe. She's admired in the community for her generosity and for her artistic talents. You'd never know that she used to be a model, admired for her long legs and as an "awesome party girl." The tourists ask questions and don't hold back. The girl with long blonde hair asks, "Do you have less self-esteem now that men don't stare at you?"

Good question. To many people in our postmodern times, self-esteem is all about sex appeal. The former model, now a wife and mother,  said she's not interested in having strange men stare at her. She wants to be valued instead for her accomplishments, because those were earned.

Ladies, consider whether you would prefer to be complimented on: your long legs or your achievements. Of course a healthy body is itself an accomplishment. But if our self-esteem is foremost tied to the look of our bodies, will we focus more on improving our character traits or our abs?

Comments

[Grace]

As a former runway model, and a very happy frummie BT [now religious Jew], I can definitely say that I have WAY more self esteem now than I ever did. I love the way I look, I love the way I present myself to the world. I feel comfortable in my own skin, and I actually feel, *gasp* LIBERATED as a modest woman. :-D

[Elin]

"will we focus more on improving our character traits or our abs?"

Brava, Batya - you've hit the nail on the head there.

[Liz Neville]

I can't top Grace's great example, but I can say I never believed
"self" -esteem could come from anywhere but within. Of course it's great to look good, but you have much more control over what you make of yourself than what you look like--- even in this day of frantic Botox, surgery and spray tanning.

[Anna]

This is so true. I think confidence in the fact that I'm not repulsive-looking is an important part of my self-esteem - I won't deny it. But when the basis and foundation of my confidence is in God and how He is using me, I am much more confident. And I know that confidence is something that can last throughout my life, regardless of how much or little attention I get from the opposite sex as I age.

[Sam MT]

"Ladies, consider whether you would prefer to be complimented on: your long legs or your achievements."

This is a false choice when we can have both. If you don't WANT compliments on your legs, then more power to you. But don't try to make this an either/or choice when it's not.

I rarely dress in ways that could be considered "immodest", mainly due to convenience and workplace norms. When I do wear more revealing outfits, I don't find that they take anything away from my achievements or people's propensity to compliment me on them.

[Luthor Rex]

"I rarely dress in ways that could be considered "immodest", mainly due to convenience and workplace norms. When I do wear more revealing outfits, I don't find that they take anything away from my achievements or people's propensity to compliment me on them."

The men are just feeding you what you want to hear so they can get in your pants.

The point of the original post was to remind everyone what's really important: your inner character. Appearances are deceiving and if you would like to experience the kind of love that rattles the bones then you need to put character before looks.

One wise & faithful Penelope is worth more than a hundred drama-inducing Helen of Troy's.

[Kelly]

Great post! It does seem that today self esteem is the same as sex appeal.

[Breeze]

I am an American convert to Islam and I am very proud of it. I wear hijab and abaya and I adore it I think I look attractive in it. I dont thinking covering up means unattractive and plain. It gives some mystery and that is what men like. They still look at me but I never look twice and I know they are looking at me like they would a potential wife rather than just sex its a different look. :-)

[Elin]

Does anyone but me find Luthor's comment regarding Sam somewhat mean-spirited??? I don't think she was at all implying that character shouldn't come before looks, just that one can be complimented on both. I know compliments on my character and acheivements are more substantial than compliments on my looks. But I appreciate the compliments on my looks too (provided that they are appropriate!) :)

[Heather Carson]

I confess that this has been a difficult issue for me since adolescence. I am now a 33 year old mother of three - my youngest is 10 months old - and the pressure to be back to my "pre-pregnancies" body is immense. It's like, forget that fact that I helped create three new human beings, when are you going to be back into your size 8's? Other Moms I chat with while out and about struggle too with feelings about their bodies and their feelings seem permanently married to how they feel about themselves on the inside. I wish this weren't so.

[Anita]

As a psychology student, I saw esteem for oneself as something that one could earn very much like one earns the esteem of others. As a Christian, I have found an even greater sense of self-esteem by deepening my relationship with God learning to see myself as God sees me. Neither of these things has much to do with my looks.

[spudmom]

As a forty-something mother of six with a young-looking face but matronly figure (which I blame on cooking for teenage boys!) I have never had higher self-esteem than now. It comes, not from my personal appearance, but from the knowledge that I have made choices to devote my time and efforts to more valuable pursuits than having a great body. Sure, it's nice to get back into smaller clothes, but instead of starving myself and spending hours at the gym, I feed my kids the things they love and am building a dollhouse for my daughter. Instead of spending time at nail salons and spas, I donate my time to improving education in my state. I don't fret about having a messy house as much, either, since I no longer base my "good wife/mother-ness" on how often I change sheets or mop floors.
Anita is right: having God's good opinion is more important than the approval of all the world.