Setting Limits

Hi everyone!  This is my first post, so it is very nice to meet all of you. 

I recently finished a month-long summer program in Israel. My peers and I shared many interesting conversations on the topic of modesty because my clothing style (skirts beneath my knees and sleeves that cover my shoulder) were not exactly the most comfortable way to be dressing in 110 degree weather.  "Why", they would ask me, "do you torture your self like this?"  I would then explain how my dress assures me that people appreciate my mind, not my body, and how really, it is not all that bad. 

One conversation sticks out in my mind more than others.  It was still the first week and everyone was still getting to know each other.  A couple of kids decided to sneak out and party with the locals while others slept and still others sat up and talked among ourselves.  I was in the last category.  The conversation turned to moral limits and why we choose to be more conservative than our friends who were our drinking and doing who knows what with the boys.

My friend turned to me and confided, "In my school, the freshmen are hazed based on whether they are virgins or not.  The virgins are then pressured to lose that status as quickly as possible.  I can't take the pressure anymore!  This was what I was trying to get away from at home and I just ran right back into it."

I found several things wrong with this statement. Firstly, why is there hazing, secondly, why should she worry about satisfying what others believe is a healthy sexual lifestyle, but thirdly, WHY SHOULD ANYONE EVEN BE PRESSURED INTO DIVULGING THAT KIND OF INFORMATION ABOUT THEMSELVES??

Comments

[Anna S]

Indeed... why? If that's called 'liberation' and 'freedom', I'd rather NOT be free and liberated, thank you very much!

[Kelly]

This is why I'm already concerned for my only 22 month old daughter. I can't imagine what school will be like for her. It's just awful that hazing has turned to this.
And I agree with you why on earth does anyone think they have the right to know THAT level of personal information!
We need to turn in around on those that are giving out this sort of pressure. Make them feel ashamed for even asking.

[spudmom]

Girls (and women, unfortunately) often have so little self-confidence that they try to build it by 'fitting in' with whatever crowd they are thrown into. And, of course, you have to discover what everyone else is doing in order to copy them and conform.

Now, the pressure to be sexually or chemically active is even stronger and there seems to be no sense of shame among those who pressure girls to do things that will only bring unhappiness.

Identifying the insecurities and/or the need to be liked helps my older daughter see the feeling for what it is; an unhealthy craving. I only hope that I can do the same for my 7 year old.

As a parent, it is difficult to balance between improving self-esteem in my children so that they will have the confidence to stand out, and not be arrogant or deluded by a false sense of extraordinariness. The best example I can think of off the top of my head is the movie, "The Little Princess" where a rich and pampered girl is humiliated by her classmates when her fortune is gone, but she does not stoop to low behavior because of her quality upbringing. When her luck changes, she does not seek revenge on those who harmed her, also because of her character. Girls like that will not be fooled into premature sexuality or other self-destructive behaviors because they know who they are: princesses of a heavenly King.

[wendy]

Shauna, I agree with you 100%--this is actually why I'm ambivalent about purity rings (see recent discussion on the blog @ girlsgonemild.com)

Great to have you joining the blog, Shauna! And don't worry, no one here will ever ask you to report on what you're not doing with whom. :-)

[Emily]

I dreaded being asked the 'question' in highschool, cos I knew there was never a right answer :o(

So yeah if people got it into their heads that there was no right to ask and no compulsion to answer, that'd be awesome.

Kelly, I think our generation of women who had our girlhood in the supposed time of sexual liberation can look at the concept with a bit of a jaundiced eye and may be in a position to challenge schools and other institutions and support our daughters and their friends. Where we were too unsupported at the time to do it for ourselves, we now have an understanding and a strength that comes from having experienced it, and a compulsion to take up for our daughters- nothing spurs people to action like the urge to protect their kids and make things better for them than they were for themselves. I think when your daughter approaches school age you will find other mothers with similar feelings and if you reach out to them you can create a bit of a putsch! It's already kinda happening... the evidence that the let-it-all-hang-out ethos is misguided at best and damaging at worst is becoming too overwhelming!!

[M. Landers]

Honestly, to me it's seriously eye-widening that anyone considers skirts beneath knees and covered shoulders as "torturing" one's self in the heat.

[Emily]

Well I'm with you there M. Landers- If you're a short skirt/skimpy top combo you end up sticking to everything you sit on.

All those Indian ladies covering themselves up with saris know something about avoiding overheating!

[Sharon]

Hmm, I don't know if everyone should be so worried, since I went to public school and now attend college in Princeton. I never even had a boyfriend until this year, and no one ever asked me about any of those things. Besides, even when someone asked me about whether I had a date to the dance, one could reply "wouldn't you like to know?", if you feel uncomfortable giving either answer.