As of May 26 of this year, I've joined the ranks of the married! Whoo-hooo! A little background -- My husband and I met on Catholicmatch.com two years ago and had always been long-distance (with him in Boston and me in New York). Of course, we made trips to see each other regularly and distance definitely cultivated and deepened our conversations over the phone. Based on our beliefs, experience, and love for each other, we ruled sex out of the equation until we married, a decision we both are so happy we made now that we know the joy of making a No-Reservations, Full gift and commitment of ourselves to one another. In our vows and each and every day going forward.
Our wedding day was everything we could have hoped for and much more. From my Huge, beaded dress to the glorious 80 degree weather to our devoted readers and bridal party in our Nuptial Mass to the exceeding generosity of our family and friends in their gifts and notes, in making big trips to be with us -- people gave us "all" they had. We even met a fun-loving couple married 41 years who bought us dinner on our honeymoon. Maybe they saw themselves in us all those years ago.
Marriage is not a "modest" proposition if you view modesty as something small and closed-in. Marriage is living on the edge when you give everything you have and are to the other person, and he does the same. You're not living two parallel independent lives (like roommates), you're building one life together. And from this one, seemingly small union and promise, I believe your capacity to give to others around you and give thanks to God (for bringing you together) grows.
So what do you think of this recent article, "Should People Settle in Marriage? TV's Bachelorette Jen Schefft Weighs In"? Schefft notes, "There's a difference between a really good relationship and a relationship of convenience," she said. "'Don't settle' doesn't mean the guy you're with has to be absolutely perfect. It's about waiting for the right person for you." On the other hand, David Popenoe of the National Marriage Project surprises me with "You never find Mr. or Mrs. Perfect Right...A lot of this is wrapped up in the idea that there's one soul mate out there. That is a terrible idea. Each marriage is an adventure. Settling, in a sense, is a part of life."
A mentor of mine in college once gave me great advice -- that when it comes to dating for marriage, be open to being surprised. Your future spouse may not be the person you expect. Once upon a time, my husband envisioned marrying someone quieter, more reserved, not an artist and girl with a gift for gab...as for me, I never thought a mid-westerner with a gift for science would make any sense.
On May 26, it all made perfect sense.
The desperate need to have higher standards and the picky need to either be more flexible or get used to being single. In either case, seeing marriage as a mutual responsibility, not a dream come true, should help anyone choose better.
Posted by: Lori | June 27, 2007 at 06:50 PM
O frabjous day!
Congrats!
Posted by: Mary | June 27, 2007 at 07:06 PM
Congratulations on your marriage! I got engaged recently and we made a similar decision about physical contact prior to marriage. We both feel so happy and secure about it. We know we're going to be so blessed on our special day, when time comes.
Posted by: Anna S | June 28, 2007 at 02:48 PM
Happy engagement, Anna S! I found engagement to be so deepening and challenging and a wonderful time to imagine & talk about building our future together.
I appreciate what Lori said too about mutual responsibility...our Pre-Cana booklet was called "Partners in Life and Love" - my husband and I are learning to share our selves and responsibilities and it's hard work and not something readily portrayed on t.v. But it really is the stuff that bonds you.
Posted by: Erin P | June 29, 2007 at 04:48 PM
Felicitations and congratulations to you Erin, and your lucky fellow. I am so happy for you. I was just saying to my darling husband (of nearly 19 years) today that my greatest wish for our kids, above achievements and careers and everything else, is that they each find a wonderful, loving, and supportive spouse. Good luck to you both.
Posted by: Liz Neville | July 01, 2007 at 02:53 PM
awwww, sweet! Congrats.
Posted by: Emily | July 02, 2007 at 03:54 AM
Erin, I am so happy about your felicitous union -- and a lovely wedding. May all of the graces of marriage be bestowed on both of you. You are in my prayers.
Best, Alexandra
PS Marriage rocks!
Posted by: Alexandra Foley | July 03, 2007 at 10:23 AM
Blessings to you in your life together as you grow. It sounds like you're off to a good start.
Posted by: Lucie | July 10, 2007 at 02:30 PM