Modesty, Virginity & the Ego

I wanted to highlight an article I read online recently, Virgin--It's Not a Dirty Word where I stumbled across the contribution of our very own Cassandra Debenedetto who helped found the Anscombe Society!

Now, as I read the anecdote in the first few paragraphs about the women on the subway, I got to thinking about what really gets me -- it's the psychological inevitability so many girls feel about having premarital sex. The definition of "inevitable"? "Cannot be avoided; certain to happen." As Fulkerson points out, where did these girls' options go? In our highly acclaimed culture of "free choice", what happens to girls' free will in this matter?

Well, I have a couple thoughts on this, from a psychological standpoint, so let's give it a go. I'm no expert, but my grad school experience in psych settings has opened my eyes to adolescents' and adults' struggles with this feeling of inevitability. It leads to despair. The beauty, though, of our amazingly complex minds and egos full of conscious and unconscious motives lies in those moments of "cognitive dissonance" and "ego-dystonic" events.

You see, that's what those girls were experiencing -- sensing that discrepancy between their beliefs and actions and recognizing deep down something isn't sitting right and can't be reconciled as it is. But make no mistake: those moments are God-sent, not to be dismissed! Because what the article doesn't address is the hope that can be found for women who uncover the ego strength and forgiveness to recover the road to chastity.

In the words of (sigh, my dear) Led Zeppelin, on the Stairway to Heaven, "Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on....".

Comments

[David]

I recently discovered this site and have to say it is one of the best things I have read in a long time. I was an undergrad at a state university in the mid-80's and felt that there was something seriously wrong with me because I was still a virgin well into my senior year. Finally I gave into the pressure of feeling "normal" and had a one night stand with a girl but felt afterwards that it was wrong and a terrible way for me to lose my virginity as a man. It was a sad experience which unfortunately only hastened my descent into even more casual affairs with various women, sometimes in the context of love and sometimes without, but never anything permament or lasting. But the strange thing with my own loss of virginity was that afterwards I felt a emotional bond with her which she did not feel for me. To me this shows that even men (perhaps I am simply an unusual case) feel things after sex and can be damaged by the misuse of sex. It also shows me, after all these years, what a powerful, emotionally bonding experience sex must be when between two virgins who love each other in the context of marriage. Back in the 80's then there were really no support groups or people talking about these issues as you do on this blog and other places and the feelings of loneliness or isolation that I experienced because of my own sense of sexual modesty were intense. So I am happy to see that you are openly and honestly discussing these issues and am sure many young people today are reading and feeling inspired by what you are saying. I know I am. Thank you and keep up the good work.

[Justin Ryan]

The term "psychological inevitability" you coined rang loudy in my own memory of an old girlfriend, who, when relieved to find very early in our relationship that sex was a non-negotiable "No", mentioned how she wondered when she'd have to "fold her cards" and lose her virginity to someone eventually. The playing cards metaphor is striking: alluding to the gender poker game of a guy&girl getting mildly physical with hugging and kissing and the girl perhaps sincerely enjoying it, but wondering in the back of her mind, "What does he really want here and how much further does this encounter have to go?" It was an enormous load off for her, one that, despite sadly not heeding in some subsequent relationships, she is very grateful for to this day and recognized the wisdom of what I wanted for us, and what she now wants in her future relationships.