Courtship Part I: Fathers

Dear friends,

In my last blog I wrote that I would be spending my summer in Washington, D.C..

Well, I’m happy to say I had a fantastic summer, and I am happy also to be able to join you all here again.

My topic for today: courtship. While we have spoken of dating in the past, the word “courtship” seems to escape most people’s vocabulary. It is a notion of the past that reached its peak in the middle ages and died out with our grandparents’ generation.

Or did it?

At the beginning of the summer I was given a book to read, Arms of Love, by Carmen Marcoux. The fiction traces the relationship between Joanie Collins and Brandon Vaughn, painting a picture of what courtship means in the modern context, and of the benefits it holds for those daring enough to try it. While the story tends to be rather idealistic in how easy it makes the courtship process appear, it certainly communicates certain much-needed values that have been lost from the modern dating culture.

What I would like to do is to take the topic of courtship and divide my discussion on it into two parts, the first being on the role of the father, and the second being on the role of the family in general.

When asked over the summer by some of my fellow interns to define my understanding of courtship, I struggled to find an adequate definition. As I have come to understand courtship, however, its essential value is that it brings dating within the context of family. Do you remember that “ancient” tradition of asking permission from a girl’s father before asking her out on a date or before asking for her hand in marriage? Well, there is actually a certain value behind this. It is not that the daughter cannot make decisions for herself, or that her parents are control freaks, but rather the practice of asking permission simply brings the man to assume a sense of accountability. He recognizes that the parents are entrusted with their daughter’s well-being and safety, and he respects them for their role in their daughter’s life. In asking them for permission – to date, to go here or there with their daughter, and ultimately to marry her – he is essentially saying that he cares enough about their daughter to assume the role of being responsible for her well-being and safety.

Additionally, this practice recognizes that the father is the man in the young woman’s life.  He will continue to be the man in her life until another man proves himself worthy enough of her love and affection, and he commits himself to take care of her in sickness and in health, until death do they part. Such an understanding is more likely to motivate the young man to prove himself by being responsible, trustworthy, respectful, and mature.

Here is the question we are faced with today. The responsibilities and role of the father in courtship is not only unfamiliar and often deemed unnecessary by people today, but it is also relatively impractical, as children often date away from the home, at college or wherever. What, then, can be learned from the courtship practices of the past that can be applied today?

I learned through my summer internship this summer that social science shows that the closer a son or daughter is to his/her father, the longer that child is likely to remain abstinent before marriage. Feeling close to one’s father, feeling loved by one’s father, seems to eliminate the strong desire to go looking for that love elsewhere. For a young man, then, perhaps it is being close to his father that instills in him a sense of commitment in loving a woman, and thus he is more likely to save sex for when he is in such a committed relationship. For a young woman, perhaps it is being close to her father and feeling his commitment of love and protection for her that makes her less likely to seek commitment through sex from other men. Whatever the causal relationship is, however, the data speaks for itself in showing the correlation between the presence of fatherly love and a child’s likelihood to remain abstinent. When it comes to sexuality and relationships, then, the role of the father cannot be forgotten.

Courtship, then, reminds us of the importance of the father. While it may not be possible (or even necessary at times) for a young man to seek permission in order to date a young woman or to take her here or there, it is both possible and necessary for that young man to try to develop some sort of relationship of accountability and trust with the young woman’s father, understanding and respecting his role in his daughter’s life. In order for this to be successful, however, it is equally important that fathers take a vested interest in their children, providing them with the security, love, and guidance they need to develop healthy and happy relationships. 

Comments

[John Jansen]

Excellent post. It's especially important for those of us who are fathers to remind ourselves of what you said here:

"I learned through my summer internship this summer that social science shows that the closer a son or daughter is to his/her father, the longer that child is likely to remain abstinent before marriage. Feeling close to one’s father, feeling loved by one’s father, seems to eliminate the strong desire to go looking for that love elsewhere."

A few years ago, I attended an abstinence speakers' seminar, where one of the presenters (an abstinence speaker himself), addressed the men in the audience by telling us, "Fathers -- tell your daughters you love them. Or someone else will."

[Traci]

I met a lot of people at college who used the courtship model. I had never heard of it before, and made fun of it for a long time, because it seems to take the decision from the woman involved and place her at her father's mercy--and with some dads that might be ok, but with some that's a scary thought. I still don't think "courting" would work for everybody, but I now have several friends who used this method and are happily married or engaged. Their relationships were never marred with the drama or insecurity of typical dating. The woman knew the guy's intentions when the relationship started, and he more or less had to be serious if he was going to face her family.

Courting allows time to be "just friends" until you know enough about the person to decide if they are worth your time (and vice versa), and the relationship starts on a much firmer foundation. I don't know anyone who courted and regrets it.

I don't see courting taking off in many circles, but among 20-something Christians it has become kind of a "new" thing; not everybody does it, but it's common enough that it doesn't have to be explained all the time. It is encouraging that there are some guys out there interested in long-term relationships.

[Christine the Soccer Mom]

I read that book this summer, too! I have two daughters (nearly 8 and just 5), and I told my husband that I need him to read this book as we decide how to set up the courtship ground rules for our children. We already know that we'd like very much to meet the boy's parents and that we want them to hang out with us as much as possible in a family setting. But there is much to decide, and I think we need to start preparing now. While we turned out okay, that's mostly by the grace of God, not through anything we did right (there was little we DID do right, from a reverted Catholic view).

One thing Hubby wants to do is take the girls on dates once in a while. He will take them to dinner and a treat and show them what to expect from a date. Doors open, chairs pulled out...it's really nice. And they get to go out with Daddy!!!

[Helena]

What is meant by "reverted Catholic view?"

[anon]

Who said 'reverted Catholic view'? can't find it.

[Helena]

Christine the Soccer Mom

[Erin P]

Cassandra,

Where did you intern over the summer in D.C.? It sounds like it was a great experience.

Fathers play such a key role in their children's development - a fatherless society is a dangerous one too, with fatherless boys being drawn into crime, and as you suggested, young girls falling into premature sexual activity and sexual exploitation.

So the role of the traditional family (mother-father-children) has enormous impact on children's well-being and development.

Re: courtship, I also liked what you said about a father trusting & transfering a sense of responsibility on to his daughter's date...

[Tamara]

It's an interesting concept, but I don't know how realistically it works with older single adults, or adults with different philosophies from their parents. Many people in my age group (30+) live in other states or even other continents from their parents. Plus I have very different religious beliefs from my father, so the man I would want to marry would not be the man he would want me to marry.

[Paul Clutterbuck]

Before I begin, I want to apologize for the length of this comment. I really had to get this off my chest once and for all.

Cassandra's post opens up a can of worms for me. In the early 1990s I spent a short time in Bill Gothard's Advanced Training Institute, where courtship was encouraged and dating was frowned upon. Unfortunately, my experience with ATI families locally was rather different. Later in the decade, I wanted to court someone whom I'd met through ATI, but my desire for this was frowned upon by the girl's parents. In the event, I only know of one ATI family in my area who actually practised courtship, while all the others settled for the usual pattern of dating.

In my present church context, I've wished that courtship was better understood, because to tell the truth I feel more comfortable relating to over-40s (who would be parents of a girl I'd want to marry) than people--especially girls--who are younger than me (I'm 35). For all my chaste intentions, I tend to get left behind in people's preference for the familiar dating scenario.

I'm not a fundamentalist, but I am quite a romantic at heart. I want to treat a girl like a lady, but so often my desire is interpreted by people to be its complete opposite. People seem to think that when I'm attracted to a girl but don't have the courage to act on that interest, there must be something seedy about me. Maybe they suspect that I'm content to add her to my fantasy life (when in fact I strongly discipline myself against having a fantasy life at all!).

About six months ago, a girl at my church started coming to my attention, who would be the most upstanding young woman I've seen in years. To make a long story short, I'd just come out of a broken engagement and realized I wanted someone I could really trust my life to, so Anna seemed to be just the sort of person I was looking for. Although she is nearly 15 years younger than me, circumstances conspired to bring us together when our cellgroups merged earlier this year. But I couldn't make myself talk to her, no matter how much I wanted to, talked to my counsellor, resolved to change etc etc.

It was at about this time that I came off prostate cancer medication, and as weeks went by my masculinity was restored to me. I met one person after another who told me they were friends of Anna's family. I read books on dating and relationships, and discussed the issue extensively with my counsellor, one of the pastors at my church, and my godmother. I set up an accountability relationship with someone who also happened to know Anna's father. Finally everything reached critical mass, and I was ready to make the first move. Then I recognized her father and uncle as the two guys I'd met at a men's camp before I ever saw Anna. Aha, I thought--I've already shared many of my thoughts with them, so I think I have a strong foundation to build on as far as her father is concerned!

The next time I saw Anna, at the combined cellgroup meeting, three times opportunities presented themselves where I could have talked to her, and every time I chickened out. I went home full of regrets, thinking I was never going to get it right. But I hadn't counted on seeing her at a tennis tournament the next Sunday!

On the Sunday afternoon, I turned up to the tennis club at what I'd been told was the appointed time (3:00), and who should be the one other person there but ...? In this situation, silence would have been so much more awkward than talking that I just had to say something!! It turned out that an email had circulated to the group that morning, which neither Anna nor I had read, saying that the tennis was postponed until 3:30, which was when everybody else started turning up!

The longer this goes on, the more it begins to look like a setup. Is this Providence unfolding in front of my eyes, or am I just dreaming again??