Who Should Really Apologize?

In St. Paul, Minnesota is a Catholic University, St. Thomas University. This Spring the commencement speaker was the college’s star defensive tackle, Ben Kessler, a kind, intelligent, well-respected and strong leader at the University. In recognition of his athletic excellence, unusual gifts of leadership, and outstanding generosity to the community, Ben was awarded the university's much-respected Tommie Award.

Upon granting Ben the award, the university had many complimentary things to say of this talented and caring young man, including the following, “Four years as a defensive tackle, he recorded 21 quarterback sacks and 165 tackles – that tough player on the field has another side in class. [a professor] ‘I think there is a calmness that comes with the wisdom that Ben has. Not much throws him off kilter. I’ve never seen him get thrown off kilter. He is thoughtful. He is deliberate about planning, asking people, getting input. I typically don’t see that until I’m with an older adult.’ ”

His commencement speech centered on the choice that we all must make in life – to be selfless or selfish.

However, Ben was heckled through the entire speech and some folks walked out in anger, apparently some faculty included. A few students were yelling, “F*** You”, and “You are selfish!" Others booed, jeered and sneered at him. The much-heckled speech ended up as a topic for the front page of both the St. Paul and Minneapolis newspapers. One girl was quoted as saying he ruined her graduation day entirely. 

What did they perceive as the problem? Ben reiterated the tenets of the Catholic faith. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.

As a background, this past year, some faculty members decided to take on the Catholic foundations of the University with the intent of breaking them. They did so by first challenging the university's employee travel policies.  Unmarried faculty couples, both heterosexual and homosexual, insisted on being able to room together on university-sponsored trips. The university in response merely requested that faculty abide by the university's travel policies -- the same policies they agreed to when accepting employment at the university. In response, these faculty members went into a public tizzy.

Also this past year, students got in a food fight on campus that got so physical and out-of-hand that the St. Paul police had to be called to subdue an escalating situation. Not to mention the usual round of off-campus “Tommy” parties in which police or the administration had to be called to subdue other excessive behavior problems. 

In his speech Ben directly addressed these issues that caused such turmoil during this past academic year. He did so by merely reiterating the foundations of the Catholic faith. In particular, he emphasized God’s calling for us to think of others first and our self-interest second. He emphasized the personal choice we all have between being selfish or selfless.

Ben used a number of examples from campus life to illustrate the contrast. Overall, I don’t agree with his particularly strongly worded remark on birth control. However, in the context of this story told to me a few months ago, I do: A dad of a St. Thomas student bought his son a house in a well-to-do residential neighborhood, spending nearly a half a million dollars for the son’s luxurious off campus housing. It is a neighborhood packed with many couples with young children. However, the student repeatedly packed “his” house with parties more akin to a frat house than a home with young kids nearby and he callously disregarded requests to be respectful of his residential neighbors. When a next door neighbor woke up one morning to condoms disposed of in his yard, the neighbor finally called in for help to contain a growing problem. In the context of that student’s complete disregard for a neighbor’s decency in addition to the students' disregard of the innocence and health of young children nearby, Ben’s remark regarding the use of birth control by students is not so outrageous.

Overall, I’ve heard my share of offensive public speeches that rock my very foundation. I generally speak to the person after or contact those in charge and respectfully state my view. But yelling out profanities or stomping out of the ceremony pouting and booing in a fit of spoiled bitterness is childish and, frankly, selfish. Yet that is exactly what some of the attendees did. Yelling “F*** Him”  and “He’s a A**hole!” to me is never an acceptable response.

The angry, pouting attendees seem to have forgotten that they are attending, employed by, or teaching at a Catholic school. It’s hard to believe they thought they’d be sitting down to hear a commencement address denouncing Catholicism, or denouncing the roots of their faith, or a speech that reflects the views of an atheist. If they do, perhaps they should work at or attend a public university or consider becoming something other than a Catholic.

Here is the end of Ben’s speech, which followed his remarks regarding the events of the year. Although certain members of the audience were disrespectful during the entirety of Ben's talk, I’ve noted the more pronounced moments of yelling, booing, jeering and walking out. I think you'll find the places of continued jeering and swearing, nothing short of bizarre.

“Regardless of the past, regardless of what has happened in the past. We must change for the future. We must stop making selfish choices.

If we keep making selfish choices, each one of us will be figuratively throwing food, climbing on tables, and being escorted out by the St. Paul Police.

My friends, please do not despair on this graduation day. This is not a day to despair.

First of all look at these graduates in front of us. Look at this impressive group of young people sitting in front of me.

Second, graduations are for hope not despair. And I’m not here to bring you despair, I’m here to bring you hope.

How do we find this hope? We find this hope....[some in the audience scream out loudly at Ben]

We find true hope by completely giving of ourselves, emptying ourselves into our community.

Friends, I speak of selflessness here, of giving yourself completely to the community. The only way that human beings, you and I, can be truly happy is by emptying of ourselves. And I don’t mean happiness of instant pleasure, instant satisfaction. I mean true lasting happiness.

[more yelling and jeering]

The only people that in all of history that were truly lastingly happy were those that gave completely of themselves.

You know the people I talk about…Ghandhi, Martin Luther King Junior. St. Thomas Acquinas.  Dare I say Jesus [people walking out of the speech]

These people found true lasting happiness by emptying themselves. By not thinking selfishly. By thinking of others in the community.

Yes they experienced sacrifice. 

[more people walk out ]

They experienced pain.

They experienced tough times.

But they found an end of happiness that was better than any of those who chose selfishly.

Graduates, Staff, Faculty, Parents and Friends, to end today I bring two issues of good news. Friends the choice is yours, and each of us has a great amount of time to make this choice

Selflessness or selfishness:

The race is far from over. And winning the race is up to you.

I only hope to meet each of you years from now and see that you are happy. That you are happy. Truly happy. Truly happy because you gave, gave, gave and gave. [At this point the harassment against Ben was so loud that he was interrupted and thus repeated his words.]

Truly happy because you gave, gave, gave and gave with the end of the community in sight. Truly happy because you lived unselfishly."

Ben left the stage to applause, but also strongly vocalized boos and more jeering.

Following negative publicity by the local media and the bitter attendees, Ben was pressured to apologize. The University buckled in weakness. I’m not sure what there is to apologize about. I think the students and faculty should apologize for being selfish and disrespectful to a speaker, someone well recognized in the broader community as being a caring and thoughtful leader. By no means do they need to agree with the entirety of Ben’s speech, but they should understand that a strongly founded, loving, mature, selfless society values debating and disagreeing respectfully and thoughtfully. There is no place for stomping, pouting, hissing and profanity. Maybe all that hissing was just a sign that Ben is right?

Good luck to you Ben! I’m sure you will continue to make a wonderful, selfless contribution to the world.

Thank you.

Comments

[Lucie]

Jeannine, I'm both shocked and disgusted by the behavior you described. I couldn't help thinking, "What in the world has happened to our society?" And it makes me angry that the university felt it needed to apologize. Indeed, the apology should have come from the other side.

I too have sat through speeches I didn't agree with (actually, in the cases I'm thinking of, they were sermons in a church!), but I did not show disrespect by getting up and leaving. The only time I would ever do that is if a minister was preaching something I regarded as flat-out heresy.

The behavior you described is simply inexcusable considering the assumed age of the protestors and the setting. I'm very sorry that the university felt the need to "cave in." A sad commentary on the state of higher education, isn't it?

[Kindli]

I think the students should be apologizing, Ben did nothing wrong, he sounds like a very intelligent, well spoken young man and it is a shame his speech was so rudely interrupted. Thank you for giving us more of the context it was given in, and the ending excerpt of it. Is there somewhere I could read the entire thing? (I tried the link and it didn’t like me)

From the apology: “I had hoped that he would focus on the accomplishments of his fellow graduates and challenge them to continue their efforts "to advance the common good," as our mission statement urges.” I think Ben did advance the common good, he pointed out the poor behavior of his fellow students, I hope they learn from their mistakes in the past and look ahead to the future where they will be better behaved.

The behavior that took place there does not sound at all like a college graduation ceremony. They may quietly, respectfully disagree, but to loudly ridicule someone --that they themselves voted to win the award-- is childish, immature and inconsiderate regardless of what he is saying (Mr. Kessler won the Tommie Award earlier this year in a vote among students, faculty and staff, and thus was given the opportunity to speak.).

As for the faculty, I attended a small private college and when I signed the code of conduct contract I was aware of what I was getting myself into and abided by those rules for the four years I attended. The faculty who wanted to circumvent the college's policies were out of line. They should have thought about the code of conduct they were going to be held to before they took on the positions.

[Jamie]

That is unbelieavable that he was forced to apologize! What exactly did he say, "I am sorry for upholding the beliefs of this university." How much hatred must those who booed and walked out be filled with that they react so viciously to merely being told to not be selfish! It is frightening to think that these young people are graduating and entering the work force etc. May they all go on for graduate work LOL...let the academic community cess pool contain its own polution!

[EPC]

I agree, the students and faculty who behaved so badly should apologize. Ben did nothing wrong.

This reminds me of a speaker we had at my college. I went to a small, Christian college and during the course of the speech, she accused us of being spoiled, rich kids in a little college on a hill who had no idea what went on in the world. Her insults were far from true, but we still remained in the auditorium and listened quietly.

[Mark La Roi]

It's sad evidence of the degeneration of civility in our society when such a seemingly banal (though principled) speech could draw such a reaction.

It's a frightening statement on the condition of our schools.

[lizriz]

Hm... I don't feel like I understand enough about this issue... the bit of the speech is really hard to understand out of context. I certainly agree that if you work at or attend a Catholic University, to then fight Catholic policies is basically insane.

I would say, however, that were I offended at something like a graduation, I might get up and quietly leave. I can see where it might be perceived as rude, but I would defend someone's right to *quietly* remove themselves from a place where they were uncomfortable. Obviously, much more was going on here though.

I'll have to hit some of your links to understand more, I guess. :)

[Susan]

When my sister graduated from Georgetown in 1982 Mother Teresa gave the commencement address. She spoke out strongly in defense of life and there was no heckling at that time.

I'm sure there were many who disagreed with her. This was Georgetown after all...but at least everybody behaved.

[R.B.]

A video of the speech can be found here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sbPSPAxBnk

I think that what he actually said* was offensive, even though the way he said it was polite. Heckling isn't an appropriate way of dealing with offensive content, but I don't see what's wrong with walking out. The speaker has a right not to be interfered with, but s(he) doesn't have a right to take up the audience's time and attention while s(he) spouts nonsense.

It is a bit odd that people who have tacitly accepted the offensive views of the Catholic Church, by affiliating themselves with a Catholic institution, object to the speaker. I don't know what to make of that.

*What he said before the part that Jeannine has transcribed, that is. The transcribed bit is a run-of-the-mill specimen of the graduation speech genre. No offense to Mr. Kessler's speechwriting skills or anything; I have yet to meet a non-run-of-the-mill specimen of the graduation speech genre.

[anon]

i don't agree with his remark on birth control either (neither does Jeannine, she said that at the beginning) but I don't see
how heckling is the answer. Wouldn't a campus wide debate have been more appropriate?

[Dean]

This behavior doesn't surprise me at all. I don't really know anything about this particular university, but I do know something about the process of secularization institutions like this often go through.

My guess is that this school long ago ceased to be Catholic in anything other than the most shallow and formal ways. Though the school may continue to retain certain policies, like the policy about travel you mentioned, that reflect some aspect of Catholic morality by now those have probably become mere formalities. No doubt these are percieved as archaic conventions from the repressive past.

I suspect unmarried faculty members at this school have probably been sleeping together for years on university sponsored trips and it has been treated as an open secret. From the point of view of the faculty, challenging the policies likely seems the more honest thing to do.

These troubles often begin for religous institutions when, in the name of broad-mindedness, administrators drop the requirement that faculty by committed to, if not Catholic theological dogma, then at least to Catholic morality.

Dropping these requirements empties out the heart of a place like this until what is left is an administration trying to keep a few rules in place against a faculty they have hired who actively hate what the university stands for and have a burning desire to transform it.

What we saw at this graduation cermemony was the reaping of what was sown long ago.

[Jeannine K.]

As a follow up note: The video is merely a clip of his speech, during which the student making the video screams out "F*** Him" and a few other tasteless remarks. The student who posted that video conveniently chopped off Ben's thoughtful opening remarks. Thus the listener starts the video with an "out of context" remark. That naturally has the effect they wanted -- individuals opposed to Catholicism go leaping out of their chairs in fits and fury. If that kid had guts, he’d have provided his name when posting a video sprinkled with his own profanity.

I have noticed that in response to Ben's speech that those who oppose the Catholic church's position (many blogs are covering this), choose to respond and say, "What's wrong with walking out?" completely disregarding the fact that the problem wasn't people walking out -- it was people were yelling things such as "F***", "A**hole" and assorted other obnoxious things, so loud at one point the Ben had to stop and repeat his words. I don’t think Ben’s speech would have been news if people were just walking out. The opponents who conveniently dismiss these behavior mishaps have the effect of accepting that their rude allies have degraded themselves to a sorry level of spoiled childishness. (I don't mean lizriz or R.B., who have indicated that heckling is unacceptable, but those who haven't.)

What does provide hilarious irony is that individuals who come to the defense of those who walked out, are coming to the defense of folks who walked out when Ben said this:

"You know the people I talk about…Ghandhi, Martin Luther King Junior. St. Thomas Acquinas. Dare I say Jesus. These people found true lasting happiness by emptying themselves. By not thinking selfishly. By thinking of others in the community. Yes they experienced sacrifice."

I'm not sure why the opponents of Ben come to the defense of individuals who walk out on those remarks? It strikes me as a somewhat hilarious twist to a bizarre story. Just goes to show, that those who didn't like one or two sentences of Ben's speech decided he should be shut down completely and yelled at through his entire speech. The protesters had stopped listening. If they had listened they might have realized that Ben was making some very thoughtful remarks as they were angrily walking out. They ended up looking enormously foolish as they walk out when Ben is speaking of personal sacrifice, giving to others.

Lastly, I am not Catholic. But we can certainly respectfully listen to the opinions and faith of those who are. Isn’t that the foundation we hope for in a respectful society?

[Lori]

I've noticed that anytime someone states that he has some standards, he's subjected to the nasty comments of those who perhaps don't meet those standards.

[DKJ]

When I read this morning that someone had referred to the Catholic Church’s views as offensive, I was not surprised. I was terribly disappointed. Is it any wonder this young man's speech was booed…I think it is ironic that the people whose posts are almost always in dissent of the common view here said they would get up and leave.

It is socially acceptable to deride the Catholic Church, its views and teachings and its members. There is no other group, aside from conservative middle class white Americans that it is so acceptable to denigrate. It is getting so old so quick….The left can call names and assign value and judgment, but woe to you with differing views, they will call you offensive, bigoted, old fashioned, repressed and on and on…

I can only attest to what I see in my own parish, but there is a strong take that if what the church teaches doesn’t suit me, I don’t have to follow it and I can make the rest of the parish feel awkward enough that they will disregard it too.

I am by no means perfect or the most orthodox Catholic, but I try everyday to live a life more Jesus-like than the day before. I try each day to work a little hard to live what I believe, even if it is uncomfortable, difficult, and unpopular. And it ultimately, at the end of the day feels good. I don’t ever wonder if I did the right thing…I know in my heart I did the best I could to do the right thing…So go ahead call me and my Church what you will…

I look forward to the day when it will socially acceptable for a Catholic to stand up and defend their faith with the vigor and fury that society tears it apart with. I look forward to the day when Catholics start to take Catholicism more seriously. Until then I will do my part to show the world what the Church holds true.

[LAS]

I think it's ridiculous what this country has come to. A bunch of spoiled, over "educated" liberalized children have a tantrum when someone talks about values and faith.

I'm not surprised however, because this is going on everywhere, everyday, big cities and small towns. Even in the most rural of areas we've got all the junk that the big cities have. And all the attitude and anger and arrogance that goes along with it.

Lori: you have to realize it will NEVER be socially or politically correct in our corrupt world to stand up for Jesus and the Catholic Church. Jesus said that we would be persecuted on His behalf....We have been and we will continue to be. Remember, He was vilified and crucified and He'd done nothing wrong!

People don't want to hear the Truth. They have eyes that do not see and ears that do not hear.

It will just get worse and worse....

[Lori]

LAS, "We"? I was speaking of standards of any kind. Like many people, I really don't like to hear sermons outside of religious settings. If the school is no longer a religious setting, as someone hinted, the speaker's religious remarks might have been out of place at the ceremony. That doesn't excuse the hecklers, though. I agree that they acted like spoiled brats.

[Debbie]

Awful! But is it so surprising? Shouting people down is what we see everyday on cable TV news channels. Politicians of all stripes vilify each other. Witnessing the primary election season was a nauseating experience. Sadly, the level of discourse in the U.S. is barely civilized anymore, and it is the standard from which children learn. I think our society - starting at the top - need a crash course in m-a-n-n-e-r-s. (Here come the snickers!)

[Graphictruth]

I'm an odd duck on this pond, for sure, but as someone passionately concerned with ethics - such as the ten great ethical principles stated in the Ten Commandments, I have to say that the young man's apology was requred - as a violation of ordinary and decent standards of tolerance. Essentially, he told everyone that by disagreeing with him on his idea of church doctrine, they were "selfish."

That's a perjoritive, and very probably incorrect assumption.

So while heckling him was indeed rude - what he said was fairly much the same thing. "Nicer" words do not make what he said better.

Even if were true that those who choose reproductive responsibility and safer sex are being "selfish" for "not serving the intention of the Lord," we are told to not lecture others, but to witness by example.

Be as socially conservative as you like - for yourself. Be tolerant of others, no matter how they act.

Why? Because productive silence in a room full of meaningless babble provokes curiosity and dialogue.

More importantly, when you force your views of proper family life, proper family life, proper public modesty, how is that different from the Taliban?

He was insultingly attempting to charactorize his views as being morally superior to those who differ, with no distinction between those who do so in full faith and sincerity and those who ARE selfish and uncaring. (I don't think encouraging the latter to breed like rabbits to be a great social OR moral triumph, by the by.)

It was a tremendous insult - and as Validictorian, he was saying it on behalf of the graduating class. That made what would have been rude for a speaker actually wrong; a violation of trust and misuse of position.

I would have been vocally registering my dissenting opinion as well.