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May 01, 2006



"Actually," she said, "I have no problem with sexuality at all. _My_ sexuality. However, I have a major problem with _yours_."

"How so?" he wondered.

"Because you feel compelled to shove it into other people's faces. I can't help but wonder just who it is you're trying to impress. It's certainly not working with me."


Oooh, that's good. Well said!

I'm so weary of this "comfortable with sexuality" business. C'mon, what does that mean, anyway?

If they are so very comfortable, then why must they make others so un-comfortable?

I sense potential for one of Eve's Gilbert &-Sullivan-inspired-ditties here...



(Sing to the tune of "For I am the Pirate King...")

For I am a modest girl!
(horah for the the modest girl!)
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a modest girl....


I don't mind if two acquaintances mutually agree to have a detailed conversation about sex, but that guy needs to grow some social skills. "Don't make other people uncomfortable for no good reason" is a basic rule of etiquette.

If I'd been in your shoes, I might have started asking him pointed questions about his health or his finances, and then accused him of close-mindedness when he refused to answer.


You know, I have never had that said to me...I can't imagine it's all that common. Which makes it that much creepier when someone says something like that, to my way of thinking.


Very well said CGHill - Why is it that all the brilliant things to say only come to you in retrospect?

It's very true though, maybe by being so open and "exhibitionistic" about their sexuality, they are trying to overcompensate for their own lack of confidence in themselves as sexual beings.

Trying to score back-patting from outside sources, rather then from inner sources or intimate partners.

Maybe this ties into Wendy's earlier blog about asexuality vs. promiscuity and modesty vs. prudery.

By being comfortable with ones sexuality and ones ability or inherent sexual nature, you don't have to make everyone else see what you are, for you know it yourself.
(My friend has a great term for people that like to show off their attributes, rather than be confident in their inherent attraction for others, she calls them personality peacocks) So I think that term can really apply here.

Being aware and guarded about ones sexuality is not prudery, but modesty. You are guarding it, BECAUSE you are aware, not ignorant. So by not putting up your intimate secrets on the public bulletin, you are not being uncomfortable, just guarded and aware of their inherent value.


I've been met with a similar comment, just different circumstances...

Anyway, I've been drawing up plans for possible radio guestings, and I got several great ideas from this blog! Now I'm trying to anticipate responses and in turn thinking of appropriate replies to those responses. One common line is that "I'm comfortable with my sexuality", usually referring to women who "have no qualms" about dressing in clothes that cover and protect very little of the body. What's a light but clear and firm response to such a way of thinking? I cringe at the notion of people who value modesty in dress as prudish and uptight. Not true at all. I sure would love a witty comeback if someone utters that standard line.


Hmmn. Ever think that maybe this guy has just been raised in a culture that tells him it's normal to try to find someone sexually "compatible" by discussing this stuff? Many sex educators really, really stress "communication is key!" and "talk it over, share your fantasties," etc. He may have been told that this is sort of considerate, pro-woman behavior (he cares about what kinds of things you like, he wants to please in bed, etc.) and been rewarded for it in the past.

Now, maybe THIS guy was deliberately trying to provoke, but perhaps instead of "making a point" by asking him questions about his finances or chastising him for "throwing his sexuality in others' faces", a simple statement like "I don't believe in discussing those kinds of things until I'm contemplating marriage with someone" or a variant.

Plenty of guys who have a lot of sexual experience are still hoping to marry a woman who -- as hypocritical as this is on the man's part -- hasn't given in to men like himself in the past. I've seen it a million times, even among, say, urban atheists.

Not that THIS guy is necessarily a prize, but a guy who's being too frank about sex is not necessarily irredeemable. There are guys out there who find today's women too sexually aggressive, but are resigned to this and have adapted. He may simply be starting things up the way he's used to, and if gently told that you have higher standards, he may in fact be DELIGHTED to finally meet such a woman!



"If you were any _more_ comfortable, you'd be naked."


Just observations:

The people I've met who speak openly to anyone about anything generally don't seem comfortable themselves. They're playing to the crowd, trying to show how open or laid-back they are. If you agree or admit to doing the same things, you justify their actions. If you don't, they feel bad, on some subconcious level. You don't have to defend yourself for not being like them.

Another observation: when they're talking ad nauseum about their (what should be) private lives, they're generally complaining about it or their partners.

Next time you hear this kind of talk, count how many times they say something like "I was drunk," "it just happened" "he/she was there" or some other excuse for sleeping with someone they don't even like.


Penelope, I don't actually have a problem with the guy's bringing up sex the first time -- lots of women feel perfectly comfortable having frank sexual discussions with their male friends. But when Merav tried to change the subject, he insulted her, and that was extremely inconsiderate. When somebody says they're not comfortable talking about sex, the respectful thing to do is to stop talking about sex.

I agree with "many sex educators" when they claim that "communication is key", but communication is not the same as self-expression. In order to communicate, you've got to listen to the other person, respect their boundaries, and stop when they tell you to stop. Anybody who doesn't grasp that concept shouldn't be having sex at all.

And I don't think a woman should ever, ever compromise her dignity in order to make a man like her. We should demand respect.


Great ideas here! Now I just wish they'd come to mind during those precise moments when I do need them! It's one thing to write about these things, and another to actually use them in conversations with people with a dissenting opinion. =)

Erin P


I tend to think in situations like this humor can go a long way. On one hand he's pouring his heart out, but on the other hand, you're understandably not the one who wants to hear about it. It's also arguable to what extent he's genuinely pouring his heart out versus trying to scandalize you or be sadistic in a way. Only you know that.

I could see myself making all kinds of facial gestures (but that's just me) and saying TOO MUCH INFORMATION. I think it's a dignified thing then for both him and you to change the topic. Perhaps refocus him on something worthwhile he's done if he's a good friend. And if he's a good friend, he'd be sensitive to your feelings and not make a pattern out of this. If he's not a friend, why keep company? You don't owe him another coffee date or anything, especially if you felt violated.


Very insightful and encouraging. I'm accidently stumbled upon this blog. I am Muslim and grew up in the suburbs of Georgia...so I can most definitely appreciate your individual perspectives.


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