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May 11, 2006

Comments

Julia

I recently went through a three month relationship with the idea that I need to be more open minded when it comes to dating. I've been told a lot by friends, "Don't be too picky."

I was attracted to him, but also constantly annoyed at his habits, and not feeling any chemistry. So in the end I ended up unhappy, he ended up unhappy (because I'd ended up leading him on), and I'm still no closer to where I want to be.

You're a smart girl. Don't settle.

Jeannine K.

Merav, trust your gut feel. I went on a blind date once--I was set up by a friend -- the guy was an employee where her husband worked. He was well known as hard working, diligent, friendly guy. On the date, the guy was actually sort of blah and I could tell he did not go for me, and had "checked out" nearly 15 minutes into the date. I thought to myself, "What have I done already to make the guy dislike me?" I never figured out why he was so bored and why he found me seemingly the worse date of his life. I, as a result, didn't have a good time, and really didn't like the guy.

Fast forward, two years later (friend's husband still worked with the guy), he gets a call at the office, from a lawyer, demanding genetic testing from him. Turns out, about the time of my blind date, he had gone to a bar, got super slobbering drunk, and took a girl home for a one night stand. Never knew her name. She never knew his. She got pregnant. But she was so drunk that night she couldn't later find the guy. Didn't know his name. And couldn't remember even where she was that night.

Two years into the fast forward, she was discovering that with a two year old life was getting harder as a single mom. Also, quite a while after the drunk fest that got her pregnant, she was driving to a bridal shower somewhere. While driving there, the neighborhood started looking strangely very familiar. In some recess of her mind, she recalled the scene and she knew that was the neighborhood he lived in. For a number of days, she hid in her car, staked out the cars coming and going, and watched for him to come home to see which of the identicial suburban homes he lived in. She found him.

Then she hired a lawyer, who reversed checked the address, and then the lawyer called him up insisting he was a father.

The man denied it entirely. But the genetic testing proved his denial completely wrong. The man was a father. He never knew it.

It all made sense then -- I was glad he never liked me and I didn't like him either. Can you imagine dating some guy and finding out he's actually a father??

As I said, gut feels...they are our friends.

You never know the dark spots behind a guy's successful exterior. When something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Gut feels are very very reliable. A gut feel does not mean you are too picky. It means you are probably right on track!

lizriz

I would just throw out there - when you're sure, you're sure - but sometimes people are nervous on first dates and it changes their demeanor a lot. I sometimes get *really* nervous on a first date. So unless you're totally sure (which is totally fair), I am a proponent of giving it a few dates so both people can relax a little.

Further, as long as you're always honest, there's no worries. I just dated a guy for three months. I wasn't sure about him yet, but I was having fun. When I was sure I wasn't into him, I ended it. No harm, no foul.

Splashy

Just wanted to throw this in:

The notion of finding and choosing a "soul-mate" to marry was first introduced in the Renaissance, and gained traction throughout western society in the Romantic Period (late 1700's to early 1800's, e.g., Jane Austen). Prior to that era, one chose a spouse for other reasons than "he/she makes me feel tingly all over," and it was generally understood that your spouse *became* your soul-mate over time (i.e., a lifetime).

I don't claim the mantle of "truth," nor do I propose a return to the good ol' days of the 1700s (which weren't all that good), but it seems to me that it is much more realistic to shop for someone capable of becoming a soul-mate, rather than someone who is already your soul-mate.

The obvious next question is, "How can I know that suitor X is capable of becoming my soul-mate?" In my considered opinion, as long as X shares my value system, soul-mate potential is there. That is not to say that this factor is the only consideration, but it's pretty close to the top of my list.

I've been married for almost 15 years. The marriage didn't start out particularly well, and if, after the first 5 years, you had asked me if I had married my soul-mate, I would have rolled my eyes. Just in the last year, a corner was turned, and now I can honestly say that I married my best friend and soul-mate, though I didn't know it at the time.

I don't and won't presume to dictate a course of action for anyone, but here's what I believe: If I had been searching for my soul-mate, I would never have found my soul-mate.

Sunnyday

I, too, think I am quite picky about men whom I would consider dating, but then like Merav said, the choice is of a husband and not an entree.

I've started to try and keep a more open mind when going on dates, keeping my standards in mind and at the same time making a mental note not to dismiss the guy right away when I see something I don't like on the first few minutes -- or even on the first date. As lizriz said, people can be nervous on the first date and I take this into account.

In the meantime, I continue to develop myself so as to be Ms. Right. After all, I AM on the lookout for Mr. Right. =)

Alexandra Foley

I love what "sunnyday" said about improving herself. When I was dating and realized the kind of man I wanted to marry I had to take a good long look in the (spiritual) mirror and realized that I wasn't really the girl who was going to attract that man. For instance, I wanted to marry a really smart and strong Catholic and yet I wasn't that myself. In the coarse of improving myself I fell in love twice, once with my Faith and then with my husband.

Good luck, Merav.

Rachelle

The good guys are never for me. Its those extremely elusive, well behaved (in public) beyond my range, hard to hold, dangerously sexy men that I adore. But what is more, so much more is the excitement received through the intimate conversation that is so stimulating and rapturous with potential. With the this just might be the real one I need to make me really be me and love everything. And then what usually happens is I am all wrong seeing through some kind of ideal inner personal fairy tale that is concocted sweetly and well meaning but wrong and sad and doomed nontheless. Another brilliantly mistaken waste of time.

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