Our mod blogger Lily Gross recently posted a piece about quandaries in dating, and asked for advice. Having been in her shoes too many times over the years, I rambled out a response one evening. You know, I am not a girl who goes and buy dozens of pairs of shoes like some do. But in the dating world, I’ve walked in so many shoes, that you’d think I had some sort of latent shoe fetish. I wrote quickly and posted my comment as “J” –-assuming no one would really be seeking advice from someone still single. But then Wendy pointed out to me that my advice has been reprinted in a few places on the Internet, so now I feel like I should be taking credit for it!
Here's what I said:
The right man is a miracle that enters our life -- some of us are lucky to find that, some of us give up and marry 'whatever' to avoid loneliness, some of us don't want marriage, some of us never find that love, and some of us thought we were marrying the right one and found out he is terribly hurtful.
So be careful. Be prayerful. Trust that gut feel (not the butterflies when he's around, but that deep gut feel when you are alone.) Be open to miracles. Don't depend on a formula, but always look for loyalty. Look for how he treats others. Hope for patience and an underlying optimism. A real man doesn't always look for the easy way out. Someone, who when life kicks you all in the gut, you and he will help pull each other up off the floor. Someone who when stuck at some airport with you during a storm, when everyone around is cranky, can still manage to crack a joke -- or laugh about it all afterwards -- someone that doesn't follow the dower moods of others. Someone who has known tough times, and risen above them.
Watch out for men with a long string of dumped girlfriends, his current girlfriend is usually next.
If he has all this, he'll expect the same from you. So we have to prepare ourselves to be equally worthy.
Lastly, I think we girls do have to accept those imperfections -- that slightly crooked nose, that awkward gait, the bad taste in shirts, a tendency to be late, propensity to lose keys, the inability to fix things, the ineptitude in hanging anything straight, the annoying sneeze, irksome in-laws, the sloppy cereal eating, the choppy lawn maintenance, the need to have shoes lined up or enjoying slopping muddy shoes across the floor --you know, every single happily married person I know has mentioned one of the above and many many many more. Be ready to have your share of annoying clumps too. Why? He'll find some in you too -- and you can share and love all that together.
Above all, be active in the things you love to do, be loving, be hopeful.
And never never never never never succumb to the cynicism regarding love that so many have. So many cynics do in fact get some guy to share their digs with -- and they prefer that you give up too and shack up in some sort of half-love. But I've never found their version of love enviable. It's headache inducing.
Be hopeful. The world needs it. And he will too.
Comments