From the Trenches

I didn't compromise, and I'm so glad for that.

Shane*, the gentleman of whom I spoke in my last entry, came forward with his intentions. I certainly appreciate his honesty, and I'm proud of myself for sticking to my principles. (*Names changed.)

On AOL Instant Messaging, after some banter and light chit-chat, I'd told Shane that he "was growing on me." His response: "Well, we should probably talk about that." We both agreed that in-person would be best. I couldn't tell what his tone was. Would this tete-a-tete be really good? Or very bad?

Our mutual friend Janice* had just dropped Shane and I off at a restaurant, and she'd gone to park the car, giving the two of us a few minutes to talk. "So? What's up?" I asked.

"I mean, I don't know," he said. "I guess I just have some concerns about our religious differences, and our sexual ideology is pretty different too. I can't make an emotional investment. I like you. I really like you."

After the initial stun I managed a disheartened "Yeah, I like you too..."

I examined his words. Religious differences. Yeah, that would be a problem down the road. Tolerance of each other's most basic values is not a good foundation for two people seeking commitment. Sexual ideology? I understood completely, though I'd never heard those terms paired together. I know that he has slept with more than one girl. And he knows that I am a virgin. Fine. Alright. So it's me with the 'hangups', in other words...

Janice approached the table and took a seat, oblivious to the ongoing drama. For the next half-hour I tried to verbally engage but mostly kept to myself, rolling over my thoughts. The three of us ordered, chatted, joked, ate and paid the bill, then Janice got up to retrieve the car. Shane and I had to then quickly sweep up whatever mess of a conversation we'd left at, before our chariot would pull up at the door.

"So what does this mean? Is it that you want something casual?" I asked seriously.

"Yeah, I mean, I can do that. I just want to let you know that there's a 95% chance my feelings about this won't change. We could try something, if you're alright with the 'no commitment' thing. But I just can't commit. At the end of the summer, that's pretty much it."

And I really, really, really did think before answering. I considered to myself, Am I capable of a 'casual' dating relationship? What does that mean, anyway? 'Casual dating'? If I grow attached to this guy - which I probably will, because I'm a loyal and romantic person - will it kill me when he leaves me in the dust? And know all the while that he "95%" probably will walk away? Can my heart handle that?

Concluding my inner monologue, I gave him my decision. "Then I think it's gonna have to be... a no. I know myself and that I'm not 'capable' of a detached physical relationship. It's a shame, because I think you're a wonderful person. But I can't compromise. I deserve more than that. I deserve the whole package, not just a piece of it."

He accepted my response with dignity, and we agreed we'd of course remain friends. And that was that. No big deal to him. Not a significant loss, I gather, because there are other young ladies in Austin who may very well take him up on a no-strings-attached agreement.

On one hand, I felt embarrassed and ashamed. He'd rejected me. Not the physical me. Not the intellectual me. He'd rejected the chance to know my heart. But on the other hand, it was liberating to resist temptation, to respond appropriately, to listen to my conscience, and to ignore a green light leading to inevitably temporary satisfaction.

I look forward to the day and hour when I meet the love of my life, the man who will want ALL of me: body, mind and (especially) soul.

Comments

[wendy]

Lily,

Just 3 words: Good for you!

[Amy F.]

Way to go, Lillers! Straightforward, mature, thoughtful, honest -- excellent way to handle an obviously difficult situation. I admire you for it. And, you know you can trust yourself to recognize when the proper answer will be a "Yes."

[anonymous]

That is a great story! I feel like I was there -- in fact, I have been. But I don't think I always had the presence of mind to act in the manner and with the grace that you did, Lily. I wish I could look back now and be proud that I never let some non-committal guy have a piece of my heart. Live and learn. Congrats, Lily.

[Brenda]

I applaud you on your good choice. Someday you're going to have enough happiness to make up for this ten times over. :)

[R.B.]

Good on you for sticking up for your values! (Also, good on him for having the maturity to tell you the truth. But only you get the exclamation point.)

[sunnyday]

Wow, congratulations Lily! I'm sure it got really difficult at some point during that evening yet you handled the whole thing with such grace. AND, you stuck to your principles. Way to go!

You sure are worth waiting for -- and I know someone who will see that is going to come along into your life. In the meantime, forget the guys who offer you nothing more than a "no-strings-attached" relationship.

[Liz Neville]

Lily-- you knock me out. What a brilliant way to handle such a difficult moment. You made a very smart move.

[FVisconti]

Congratulations Lily!
I bet somewhere out there is your soulmate waiting for you.

Best wishes!

[Marsha]

funny you should mention in your other entry about dating someone who hates cats while you love them... my boyfriend loves cats (and animals in general) and I am pretty much deathly allergic to them.

we just make it work I suppose :)

[Reid]

I take issue with R.B.'s assessment that Shane was exhibiting maturity... What Shane was exhibiting was self-centered, 'my way or the highway', immaturity. And my compliments to you for deciding what your values were in advance so you had a basis for making a truly mature decision at 'crunch' time.

Reid

[Erin P]

Lily,

Thank you for sharing. No loving, lasting relationship can begin with disclaimers. I'm happy you recognized this truth and put it ahead of your own desires (in a sense). There's no such thing as "casual dating" because we _are_ whole people -- mind, body, soul, and lots of heart.

[Debbie]

Lots of three-word praises are in this blog: "Good for you!" "Way to go!" I'll add mine, Lily: "You're worth it."

[DKJ]

WOW...that gives a whole new meaning to deal breakers and your previous post...

It is funny that he can essential know so much about you - religious differences and sexual ideology ,but yet be unable to put so little of it into real life context. Almost as if he wasn't taking you or your values seriously and that is definitely a deal breaker.

So congrats to you for standing up for yourself! You don't know how many girls wish they could do the very same thing....

[kalipay]

great thoughts and decision. that soul-mate out there will be proud and thankful one day. hang in there, girl!!!

[Lucie]

Lily,

I can only add my congratulations to what the other ladies here have said, but I know this was a painful situation for you, and I sympathize. You have shown true value for yourself as a creation of God, not a plaything, and I salute you for it. Yet one thing stuck out to me in your entry, and that was your description of "Shane" as a "wonderful person." I don't know this young man and so some might call me unfair, but I just can't consider a man who would evidently be casually prepared to dump you at the end of the summer, after he'd had his fun, as either a wonderful person or someone you'd want to retain as a friend...not to mention a gentleman. No woman should ever allow her heart to be treated that way, and you didn't, and I thank you for your example.