Age Restrictions

Hello my fellow Modbloggers!

I apologize for my recent absence.  What with being ill for over a week, and then having to make up my midterm exams (done as of today!!), the past few weeks have been a little tough!

I would like to pose to you all a question that came up after my spring break. With other friends and I returning to school after vacations at home, where we saw young siblings and neighbors who are suddenly growing up so fast, the question of “what age is appropriate to start dating” came up.

Of course there are multiple variables in debating such a question.  For instance, the maturity of the boy/girl, the maturity of the other person in the relationship, what the details of this “dating” consists of (hand-holding, going to dances together, going out on dates together, etc.), and the parents’ sentiments toward the relationship, are all factors that can significantly affect whether or not it is appropriate to start dating.

As for an age limit, however, my mother was not allowed to date until age 16, and she and my father decided not to set an age limit with their children.  Rather, they would discuss the topic with their children when the interest arose. I think my parents’ plan was very reasonable. They likely realized the variables that would influence when each of their children would be ready to start dating, and in framing the situation as they did, they allowed themselves to both guide their children and to allow their children some freedom and responsibility in the discussion. Such a strategy encourages conversation and understanding between parent and child, which I think is healthy and good because the child is then more likely to go to the parents when experiencing trouble in those relationships. (Of course, this strategy only works when the parents are themselves mature and reasonable on the topic of relationships, which my parents were).

While this system is reasonable, however, it still begs the question, “how young is too young?” Having come to the understanding that dating is preparation for marriage, it makes sense that one should not date until discerning marriage is a reality. In our grandparent’s generation, dating age was younger as people tended to get married younger. Currently however, dating age has remained quite young while people tend to get married later in life. This seems to have generated a prolonged dating period that divorces dating from its relationship to marriage, and which perhaps contributes to the premature intimacy in relationships that causes so many problems today.

Can a child of 12 years, or even 16 years, understand what it means to view and practice dating as preparation for marriage? Is it ok for a young teenager to be in an “exclusive relationship” with the boy/girl he/she likes, even if the extent of that relationship is only that when they go to school dances they only dance with each other, and it is public knowledge among their friends that they like each other? Is it actually healthier for children to develop only strong and healthy friendships with the opposite sex while they are young, so as to foster a more mature reaction towards the opposite sex, and so as to encourage friendship to be the basis of future relationships?

While I definitely think that waiting until the late teenage years is preferable for dating, I am still questioning this topic, what my experience has been, and how I would like to approach the subject with my future children. I am curious what others think, as well as if their thoughts are motivated by an understanding of dating as preparation for marriage.

And thank you in advance for your responses!   

Comments

[spudmomof6]

I joined my church at age 15, having begun dating at 14, but the church policy was no dating until 16 (that has since been modified to group dating at 16, no single dating until one is actually preparing for marriage.) It was a difficult guideline for me to begin to keep, but as a parent, I see the wisdom in the policy. Yes, some teens are more mature emotionally at a younger age, but the whole idea is not to keep them from having fun (we encourage our youth to have lots of activities at the homes of their parents when they are home) but to keep them safe. By staying with the crowd, they are safe from:
abusive dating relationships
date rape
depression & possible suicide from failed relationships
STDs
teen pregnancy

while at the same time, they learn what types of people they like to be around and how to treat others kindly. My older children see the wisdom of the policy, and fortunately, my younger ones are too shy for it to be an issue!
The key here is that an entire community (in our case the religious one) chooses the same set of rules, so we as parents aren't the bad guys. Even my adult children are proponents of the 'public privacy' doctrine, that says that they are safest if they are never out of sight of other people during a single date. They are free to have private conversations, hold hands, kiss, etc., without the temptation to carry things too far, and with the safety that being seen and remaining within shouting distance provides. Cell phones are good, too, to enforce curfew and be available for emergencies.
This probably sound really strict to many people, but if I can get my children through to marriage without regrets, it will be worth it.

[John Jansen]

"Having come to the understanding that dating is preparation for marriage, it makes sense that one should not date until discerning marriage is a reality."

Exactly.

Until two years ago, I was a Religion teacher, having taught at two different Catholic high schools (one was all girls, one was all boys). Regarding dating/marriage/relationship, etc., I gave students at both schools the same advice:

1. You should enter into a relationship only when you can reasonably foresee marrying the person within 18 months to two years.

2. Within six months (or so) of when the relationship starts, you should know whether you want to marry the person. At that point, either get engaged or end the relationship.

3. Engagements lasting much more than a year are highly inadvisable.

4. Be open to the possibility of starting a family within nine months of your wedding.

These are the same guidelines that my wife and I will seek to impart to our own daughters. (At this point, all three are under four years old, so we've got a little while before this will become an issue!)

Also, in my experience, I found that -- generally speaking -- the students I taught (especially the teenage girls) who came from solid, loving, faithful families weren't interested in dating while they were in high school. On the other hand, those who were generally came from non-intact families that didn't place much emphasis on faith.

As a general rule -- again, perhaps more so with teenage girls than boys, I think -- it seems that those who come from faithful, loving families have their need for love and attention satisifed by their parents and their other family members, while those who come from non-intact, effectively non-religious families do not, and seek instead to have it satisfied by someone of the opposite sex.

[amy]

Here's a thought for you... how do you stop them?

Certainly you can stop kids from going on formal dates together, but far more damaging and dangerous is the habit of "going together" at school (where you can do virtually anything you would on a date).

I will be pounding "dating is for marriage" into my children's heads, because I firmly believe that unless it comes from within, there's no way to keep a teenager from doing anything they're really motivated to do. (Unless I homeschool them and keep them at my side night and day - and I know people who do that).

Just a thought! (From someone who started "going with" her DH at 14, and whose first date was at almost 16).

[Renee]

I like your approach. If someone told me at the age of 18, I was going to meet my husband at the age of 19 I wouldn't believe them. That is what happened though. There are so many variables. I never liked group dating, which was common in high school. It felt like we just hung around, and sooner or later end up swapping guys.

I believe in one on one dating. Nothing serious even if it is for ice cream in high school or later in life for coffee. I would of loved for a young man to ask me out for a cup of coffee after class in college, rather then trying to fidgit his way into my dorm room.

I think we need to discuss at a young age, what makes a good husband. For the record my husband and I had a heart to heart talk about marriage about 18 months into our relationship. Even though we didn't get married until 3 1/2 years after our first date. There is a point where you realize if the relationship won't end up in marriage it needs to be broken off.

It really amazes me how many couples don't bring up the subject, it is like they do everything (i.e. moving in together) unconsciously and just assume things.

[spudmomof6]

Actually, I do homeschool (part time) and it did keep my daughter away from the boy crazy crowd in high school. One way we keep tabs on our children is to know their friends, so we can check up on them by the back door. My two teenage sons hang out with the next door neighbors, and we can tell what they are doing just by listening to them jump on the trampoline. We also don't allow our kids to go places unless another parent confirms what is going on (like a trip to the movies.) My daughter used to think I was the worst mother in the world when we didn't let her go to the mall or just 'hang out' at the park with her friend as a young teen. That year two teenaged girls were raped in a public park in broad daylight at gunpoint, so she finally stopped complaining about our overprotectiveness. I can't be with my children at school, but I can make them either come straight home or let me talk on the phone with the parent of the kids they are with to confirm that they are being supervised. All the rules will nearly guarantee that they won't be 'cool' enough to have a boy or girlfriend on the sly.

[R.B.]

My parents never taught me that dating was preparation for marriage, or set age limits, but I didn't date anyone until I was out of high school. My mom encouraged me to be picky, and none of the boys in my school seemed interesting enough to date. (Girls were not really on the radar screen at that point.)

Personally, I don't see the harm in letting kids hold hands, or tell everyone that Bobby loves Susie, or go out for ice cream together. But parents should supervise them and make sure they know what's going on, and that there's no sex, drinking, or drug use. (My parents had a "no sex while you're living with us" rule, which was completely reasonable. Some parents allow supervised drinking, like a glass of wine at dinner on holidays. That seems like a matter of personal choice: just pick rules and stick to them.)

[kalipay]

wow, i really like the way John Jansen listed those qualifications. in a nutshell, and very perfectly so!

[Jane]

John Jansen's points are well taken, but I don't fully agree. For some couples, who may be as "meant-to-be" as any other couple, it may take longer than 6 months to figure out if you want to marry them.

Case in point, my boyfriend and I. I am 25, he is 27, we both have jobs that take us away from each other for at least 3 days per week. That does not give us a whole lot of time to spend getting to know each other well enough to decide on marriage. Also, in today's social and political and even criminal climate, other matters that weigh into a marriage decision, such as they way each person handles their finances, are not explored until you absolutely know you can trust that person with delicate information.

We have been together for over a year now, and we have decided we'd like to get married, and are starting to make those arrangements- but we were in no position to do so at 6 months. Once we get engaged, our engagement may last more than a year- because even the smallest wedding is expensive when you have 2 large families to invite and sometimes it takes that long or longer to afford it. My best friend was engaged for 2 years before she was married, and it only helped her and her husband to become familiar with each other as husband and wife and not boyfriend and girlfriend.

So, I think, these rules are too strict. It is unreasonable to think that although you may be dating for marriage, one should make the most important decision of their life in 6 months and execute that decision in another year. Well, without a trust fund, that is.

[Jayme]

I think that each child is unique and it is the responsibility of the parent to educate a child in a way that is unique to that child’s capacity. Some children require rules and regulations, others require freedom. If the parent has discernment enough to raise their child as individually appropriate, their discernment has a good chance of being learned by the child, who will in turn use it to make decisions for themselves as they mature and come of age.

[Paul Clutterbuck]

If dating is about sex, as some people assume, then I wouldn't want to go there. Give me courtship any day! But if it's just about going out for lunch or dinner and talking about what's important to you, then I'll do that quite happily.

What I'm trying to say is that there's different sorts of dating. We need to define what we mean by it almost whenever we use the word. Making a decision in advance that "I don't want to compromise you, or myself," makes for a more wholesome dating experience, in my opinion. I trust that people on this site have (mostly) made that decision when they needed to.

Dating with an expectation of sex doesn't sound very loving to me. Elsewhere on this site, I've said that from a Judeo-Christian perspective, God is the unseen partner in all our relationships, so we should build all our relationships "in the sight of God." The idea of consenting adults being able to do whatever they choose is anathema to me. If we relate in ways that are disobedient to our Creator's design, we will hurt both ourselves and each other--or someone else further down the line.

[Kevin]

So i kinda just stumbled upon this when I was curious about what other people thought about the topic. And maybe this isnt the site for me, but I believe you have your opinions about dating and teen agers wrong. Im from a pretty nice school, suburbs of chicago, plenty of funding and all. Dating had so many different levels for us, and if you told us only to date if we plan on marrying them you would have been laughed at.

For us dating was about how you could be even better friends with someone. It wasnt about sex or anything, it was about being closer to that person as a person. I had several girlfriends throughout highschool and have no problem telling anyone that what mattered was getting to know someone at a more intimate level. If you shelter a child from having those sort of relationships then they wont be able to develop their social habits. Maybe thats just me, but I know I turned out just fine, and all my parents did was make sure i knew just what was appropriate, ie. not taking things to far.

[Sarah]

Okay, so im 14.
My mom always told me I would never ever be allowed to date till at least 16.
And at the age of 12 when she told me that..I thought some boys had cooties.
This day and age...things have changed. Good heavens, there are 7 year olds who say they have boyfriends. Yes, they hold hands and what not. Right now, I have a boyfriend...age 18, most who are reading this is saying "what on Earth is this mother doing to her child?!, is this girl a slut?, she is going to end up pregnant." but you know...this whole dating age...it depends on trust with the parent. My mom supervises us when he comes over, yes we rent a movie and order pizza. Big whoop. If I were my mom...It would never happen. But my mom is a very "strict" parent. Se has raised me well. I go to church. I get good grades. I dress appropriately. And my mom trusts me. I believe you can say whatever you like about the line "how can you stop them?" the answer....you can't. Because every child knows how to work a parent. Believe it or not. We do. "The more you keep an animal caged...the more wild and resenting it grows." Just consider trust before you say absolutley not. For every child.