Sex Charades: A Dissenting View

A sink surprisingly appears on someone’s front lawn.  Parking signs and wall clocks are missing.  A rowing erg magically appears in front of an eating club.  Students run around in ninja suits, or dressed up for “Pimp and Ho” night.  “Where?” you might ask. …only at Princeton.

Yes, this past week was bicker and sign-in week at Princeton.  What does this mean?  The week was filled with activities for new and potential members at Princeton’s eating clubs.  There are two types of eating clubs at Princeton: to be a member of a sign-in club, you need only enter into a lottery; while bicker club membership is competitive.  Many of the activities held for new members (in the case of the sign-in clubs) and potential members (in the case of the bicker clubs) are relatively harmless, and simply fun.  For example, last year one of the clubs had a “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” theme, where students looked for a golden ticket in a pool of chocolate and played chocolate Pictionary.  However, sometimes activities go a little overboard.

I will offer you one particular example.  As I was walking to lunch today, behind me were two students sharing stories of the night before.  One girl was talking about a game where students had to act out a certain sexual position or sex move, like charades, for the other students to guess.  Of course this girl was laughing about it, saying it was hilarious.  And her friend was enjoying the story as well.  Meanwhile, I’m silently thinking to myself of all those students who probably did not find it funny at all.  I’m picturing the girl who has some strange guy she never met act out something on her, or the guy who, eager to impress, goes a bit too far in his charade.

Now maybe for some students this game is indeed fun.  Maybe there is no discomfort or regret.  But I would argue that a surprising number of these students probably are at least a little embarrassed, uncomfortable, insecure.  If there was an alternative activity, or if there wasn’t as much pressure, they would happily opt out.

People wonder how sexual abuse, date rape, and unhealthy relationships come about.  I would argue that it is founded in a casual and self-centered attitude towards sex.  Sex becomes a game, where once it loses its enjoyment or entertainment value, it is no longer worth anything to that person.  Oh yeah, and the other person who was providing that enjoyment and entertainment, he/she is not worth much anymore either.  Do you see the problem with this?   Sexual gratification, and even concepts of “love,” become centered on “me,” what “I” want, what “I” am getting out of this relationship.  There is no attitude more opposed to love and healthy relationships.  If we want to stop sexual violence and unhealthy, unhappy relationships, it all starts with our attitude towards sex.  And so long as things such as sexual charades exist in our culture, we will continue to hurt our hearts and bodies, not humor and delight them.

Comments

[Name withheld for privacy]

As the mother of a recent rape victim, I agree with you 100%. Too many men (and women, who enable this process) now consider sex the way we used to think of sharing a cup or coffee. To a young woman who prized her chastity, the event has been much more traumatic than any of us would have expected. If a man can get a willing sex partner just by 'hooking up' with a relative stranger, it makes it more difficult for him to believe that someone who says no has a legitimate reason for doing so. That makes his actions seem normal, while the woman is the tease or 'b----'. One of the hardest things we have had to go through is the legal system (in our case, the military one) that presumes innocence for the perpetrator and requires proof of both force and lack of consent. Both are nearly impossible to prove beyond a reasonable doubt in an aqcuaintance rape scenario when threat of violence is used by the rapist. Now, all the advice I can give to all of you is to never be farther than shouting distance from others when alone with a male friend or acquaintance, especially one who expresses a desire or expectation for premature physical intimacy. My daughter was injured, lonely, and vulnerable to a sweet-talking monster who didn't think she had a right to say no once he was aroused. Please, don't be fooled.

[Meghan Grizzle]

Hear, hear! No one in the Office of Sexual Assault and Prevention Response at Harvard seems to be willing to admit that this totally casual attitude regarding sex is one of the biggest culprits in the rape problem. Instead of warning us of the dangers of drinking and engaging in sexual activities, Harvard says faultily that all students 'are doing it.' Which means they throw free condoms at us from all directions. Sigh.

[Mark La Roi]

Very good post! I wish more young girls could read this.