Are You Normal?

The other day at the grocery store I noticed a Glamour magazine with the article title, "Are You Normal About Sex?"  Naturally, having picked the longest and slowest moving line at the checkout, I had plenty of time to read it, and sadly, I did.  The bad news is that by their standards I am not normal; the good news is that I would never want to be!  Were I normal, I would have lost my virginity at sixteen, I would be, uh, faking that I was satisfied, and I would be using various toys not found in Toys R Us (and not telling my husband). 

So, surprise, surprise, Glamour magazine is yet again not representing people like me.  But it got me to thinking about these magazines and their inevitable "Are You Normal" articles and I have concluded that I have two problems with them.

Besides the obvious indecency of constantly talking about sex, articles such as these give people the idea that since everyone is doing it (whatever "it" may be), you can and should do it too.  Never mind how degrading, demeaning, or selfish the act is: as long as statistics can show that others are doing it, it is "normal." And while I don't doubt the accuracy of the statistics (actually, I do, since Glamour isn't exactly Gallup), what bothers me is that they are telling women not to feel bad about what they have done even if the best thing in some cases may be to acknowledge that a mistake was made.  This seems like part of our cultural tendency to "define deviancy down."

My other problem with these kinds of polls is that they set up sex for a fall.  Notice that the question isn't, "Is your relationship normal?" Such polls fixate on how much and what kind of sex you are having, as if this was the only marker of the happiness or health of your relationship.  When we equate sex with love we are promoting sex to a role that it cannot bear.  Love can bear many burdens: poverty, sickness and bad times, to name a few.  But as any long-married couple will tell you, sex can't.  It may be part of the landscape of a healthy marriage, but it is no means the only component or even the most important one.

So what happens when we do relegate sex to the status of end-all, be-all? The answer could be, ironically enough, a dysfunctional sex life. How often do you think people read these polls and think, "Oh no! I'm not normal.  My husband and I aren't having enough sex or in enough positions!"  Do you think this is going to be helpful for someone's love life?  Or is it rather training them to be unsatisfied and neurotic?

Whenever I look at one of these magazines I have to remind myself that magazine makers are not in the business of selling happiness: they are, in a sense, in the business of selling unhappiness.  If they can make you feel dissatisfied with your lover or your lipstick (or yourself), then they can hook you on their own prescriptions -- or subscriptions, as the case may be.  So the next time you put down one of these magazines and find yourself with that odd sense of not being satisfied, let me tell you, you are very normal.

Comments

[Toane]

9 letters: e-x-c-e-l-l-e-n-t!

It's nice to hear that kind of comment from a gentle lady!
In general when a guys try that kind of explanation, they're taken as the ones who cannot understand women stuff, thus starting to wonder if they're normal!

So normal, abnormal, paranormal... whatever? Just be yourself!

[Dean]

The tidal wave of misinformation about sex that comes from the media is amazing.

This one aspect of life which is, in part, intended to be healing, reassuring, and welcoming has been so blown out of its proper place that it has become a constant source of anxiety.

The reason magazines run articles like the one you are describing is that many, many women already worry about whether they are normal. Most conclude they are not.

When they read articles like this, their anxiety get reinforced. If they have a sex life, the increased sense of anxiety can ruin it, thus trapping them in a vicious cycle.

Maybe what women need is a magazine willing to run a teaser something like:

"WHEN IT COMES TO SEX- YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH!" or "33 NEW WAYS TO BE TOTALLY AVERAGE IN BED TONIGHT!!"

[Jayme]

I really enjoyed your post. Unfortunately these magazines hope to reinforce the already negative perspective women seem to have for themselves, especially in regards to sex. If they tell you that you are not average by x,y,and z standards (and you buy it) and they can help you achieve those standards, you continue to buy their magazine and they continue to make new standards and by extension more money. I have found that men's magazines do the same thing, relying on the ego and the typically male drive to be the 'best'. I'm sure this is marketing 101. Again, the public should perhaps invest in some critical thinking skills. These magazines are a product of our own investment.

[L.B.]

I like to read women's magazines at the gym, since I don't have to pay for them. They get me angry enough that I work out that much harder. :)

What I noticed yesterday is that the magazines push fashion, expensive beauty products, expensive accessories, and lots of sex. Who are their advertisers? Why, clothing companies, makeup companies, jewelry companies, and birth control manufacturers...

[spudmom]

Let's not forget the constant companion of women's magazines: A delightful dessert on the cover, followed by a new diet inside the magazine. To me, it's reassuring to know that I'm 'better than normal' by having a sex life that my husband and I agree with. The details are no one else's business, especially some magazine editor's.

[Liz Neville]

LB and Spudmom really make a great point. At bottom, there is a very effective and efficient campaign of manipulation carried on by the editors and the advertisers. They know what we want, at least superficially, and they make it seem easy to get. That there is constant dichotomy as well (the luscious cake alongside the new diet plan; Jessica and Nick apart!! Jessica and Nick together!!!) is easily overlooked-- we are too distracted by the shiny objects. Too bad for us.

[Liz]

When I was in undergrad I got really into soap operas. I asked my grandma if she watched soap operas, and she said she used to, but she didn't anymore because the new stories were just the old stories recycled, and she'd seen them all already, so now they bored her.

That's how I feel about most women's magazines. Been there, read that, like me anyway. :)