Are We All Just Girls Who "Cain't Say No"?

The other day I caught an interview with an author promoting her new book on how to say no. Dr. Susan Newman, PhD., has written "The Book of NO", and was going on at length about how we overextend ourselves, and that learning to say no was absolutely critical to regaining control of our lives. (Say "no" to say "YES!" she exhorted.) In reply to the interviewer's query as to how to handle the guilt of letting someone down, she reasonably pointed out that, quite likely, the hopeful favor-getter has already put you out of his mind and is plowing on in his quest to hook someone else, so don't sweat it.

All of this made a great deal of sense to me. But I was a bit surprised-- even though I'm one of those likes-to-help types myself-- that we need a self-help manual on this subject. I mean, really-- how hard is it to say "Sorry, I'm busy"?

Apparently, it's pretty hard. Flipping channels, I ran across the lovely redhead who plays the lead on "Will&Grace"; she was hunkered down next to an armchair and whispering desperately into the phone, begging the person on the other end for advice. Seems she was trying to get rid of a sweet, sensitive, guy who she's really sick of dating. Fair enough. But it turns out that she's wearing lingerie because she's actually in the middle of a sexual tryst with said fellow. To her dismay, she is discovered by him and lured back to bed where he proceeds to give her instruction in working on her Kegel exercises. Ick.

So there it was again, the "cain't say no" phenomenon. Only in this case it wasn't a simple matter of turning down yet another car pool stint. Grace was thoroughly uninterested in the guy, even a bit repulsed, but still giving him a spin in her bed-- and feeling guilty about getting out of it.

Reminiscent of the girl in Marya Hornbacher's book who said, of her adolescent trysts with strange men, that it was easier to have sex with them than to say no. How did giving away your intimate self ever become easier than saying no?  Grace's only other option, presented by the ruthless Karen character, was to cut him off hard and fast. Why is there no middle ground between full stop and full accession?

I think our retreat from modesty has a lot to do with it. Much as we hate to admit it, women are  endowed by our natures with a desire to caretake others. When we lost the differentiation between our own "public" and "private" space-- when modesty was deemed the source of our oppression and went out of fashion-- we became yet more vulnerable to this innate characteristic. Now in order to preserve some guy's feelings, we are not merely obligated to an awkward kiss goodnight at the end of a bad date. No, now we have to have sex with him to avoid hurting his feelings.

Modesty had the effect of preserving that wonderfully old-fashioned "woman's prerogative". In that culture, saying no was simply a woman's preference, not a personal slight. I think we lost that prerogative when we lost modesty as an accepted norm, and it's working against us. Yes, I know-- we had a lot fewer choices about other things then, too. But-- if we now need books and PhD.s to coach us, just to say no to watering a co-worker's plants-- how much has the new approach really improved our lot? If we are still so vulnerable to our desire to please, we simply need a way to reclaim the right to hold the line on things that matter.

If we don't, I'm afraid we're all destined to remain better-spoken equivalents of Ado Annie-- just  a bunch of girls who "cain't say no".

Comments

[Dean]

Part of the problem is that our culture has lost its moral vocabulary. Most people are no longer able to articulate reasons for doing or not doing anything.

At the same time, most people still have strong desires not to do things they don't feel right about. Consequently, lots of people are totally baffled by the disjunction of their inward moral urges and cultural messages that insist all traditional moral claims are bunk.

Only the stupid, the repressed, the woefully unhip appeal, they are told, to traditional sexual virtues.

This leaves many, especially college-aged women, in a tough situation because though they know they don't want to sleep with someone, they can't say why, even to themselves.

They could appeal to chastity, to the value of virginity, to simple self-respect, but lots of women are very concerned not to be rejected as backward or uncool.

They've been told over and again that a full life means lots of sexual experience with lots of partners. Authorities they've trusted have told them so often that traditional sexual mores are damaging to women that many women feel it would be IMMORAL to say no to almost any sexual experience.

At the same time, most women like to think of themselves as nice people.

When a guy has gone to some length to pursue a woman and she knows he's sexually interested, how can she refuse him and still think of herself as "nice?"

She's been taught the only legitimate grounds for saying "no" is her preference. She's also been taught to think of sex as a brief, trivial bit of pleasure.

I imagine lots of young women would feel guilty denying such a meaningless trifle to a guy who has been fairly nice to her simply because she has some misty, inarticulate discomfort about it.

So she does it and looks around trying to find some way of blunting her anxiety never suspecting her inward reluctance is a clue that all her teachers of liberal sexual values are wrong.

[Liz Neville]

Dean-- I have read your comments with on our many conversations here and continue to find them thoughtful and interesting. Thanks for weighing in on this one.

[Dean]

Thanks, Liz.

[CEGP]

Well spoken Elizabeth and Dean, unfortunately I was that university girl. I was Grace. I just didn't have the words and I was so worried about hurting someone else's feelings that I did not consider my own.

My daughters will have the words.

[tmj]

A lot of 'yes' women were sexually abused. It tends to distort your view of being able to say yes or no, and that's an understatement. I don't know about Grace, but that university student sounds like her autonomy was taken away, and it's absence affected her ability to say what she really wants.

[Wendy Shalit]

CEGP, I would like to hear more about your story--can you please contact me privately? (My email will pop up if you just click on my name where it says "Posted by.") I am actually conducting a study about how to get girls to speak out more about their feelings and would very much like to hear your perspective.

Thanks & best wishes, Wendy

[Erin P]

Liz,

Great, great blog...wow, I Still struggle with saying "no" to things (not sexually speaking or when it comes to declining a date) but when it comes to all the people in my life I'm eager to please and just plain love spending time with.

I think it's great advice to give as a parent too - let your no mean no and your yes mean yes. I'm working on it myself, so one day when I have/raise children, I'll be able to impart and model that advice. Thanks again!

[Lori]

Just start saying no. Like anything else, it gets easier with practice.

Why you shouldn't feel bad about it: I once wrote a note to a man saying I wasn't interested in him. I said to a friend, "If someone had to write me a note like that, I'd be embarassed." She replied, "No, if someone had to write you a note like that, you'd be like, 'what's this about?'" Sure enough, the guy didn't get it even then. Some people have such a thick skin that you need to be very plain about it.

[Liz Neville]

Thanks for all the good comments. I agree with Lori-- saying no does get easier with practice. I've also found that if you make a habit of stopping and thinking first, you are better equipped to turn the situation around and find a reasonable way to either "help without helping", or nicely say no. I never had the problem with saying no to men, but my heart goes out to anyone, including our commenter, who has. We clearly need that way to reclaim our "woman's prerogative" and I think that way is modesty, although coaching from PhDs can't hurt either.

[Susan Newman, Ph.D.]

I don't know if I'm intruding...or can even post for that matter. But, when I stumbled on your "conversation" prompted by my TV interview, I wanted to chime in.

Liz who made the initial posting wrote: I mean, really-- how hard is it to say "Sorry, I'm busy"?

Really difficult is my response, or so many of us would not feel anxious, stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed, and too frequently powerless. Being agreeable, helpful, caring, and nurturing is how most women have been raised; therefore it's engrained in our personalities to say yes. One of the early lessons to learn is that the world will not tilt on its axis if you say no. You have rights around saying no and it's important to learn them in order to undo or retrain how you think when someone asks or demands something of you...and that request can be as simple as walking a dog or as emotionally laden as making love.

The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It and Mean It--and Stop People-Pleasing Forever was created to change those who chose into women who can say no when that is their inclination or desire.

[Wendy Shalit]

Dear Dr. Newman,

Thanks much for commenting--we're honored to hear from you. What you're saying makes a lot of sense to me.

As long as I have you, one question: is your sense that women today are more "people-pleasing" than in previous eras? Or is it about the same?

I may have to get your book.

[Liz Neville]

Dr. Newman-- what a pleasant surprise to hear from you. Thanks for weighing in. Beside Wendy's question, I would like to ask-- and I haven't had a chance to read your book as yet-- if women are suffering more from this "lack of NO" problem than men because it may be ingrained as opposed to socialized? Would you agree or disagree that it may have something to do with our modern "modesty problem", as I posit in my original blog? Thanks!