Modestly Yours

Pretty Girl

Yesterday morning I noticed my mommy babble -- that prattling, one-sided conversation that mothers carry on with their infants -- as I got my daughter ready for the day. It went something like this: "Who's Mommy's little girl? Who's my precious girl? My sweet little Lady-Lou, little buttercup, my pretty lady, yes, you're a pretty lady. So, so pretty."

I suddenly stopped cold. Why was I talking so much about how pretty she was? Immediately I felt like I should be praising other attributes instead of, or at least in addition to, her beauty.  And then I went one step further and realized that I was feeling this pressure, and that it was coming from the outside.

It's a complicated train of thought, and it doesn't necessarily make logical sense.  There is more to a person than her physical beauty.  I shouldn't get in the habit of praising my daughter's beauty, or else she will think that is why I value her.  But I shouldn't praise it too little or she will take it as me disapproving of her physical appearance.

And this is where I run into trouble. While I value modesty in so many forms, when it comes to my admiration of my children I am anything but modest.  In fact, I remember the moment, rocking my son to sleep when he was a baby, when I realized that the reason my love for him was so unsettling to me was that it was so immoderate.  There was no thought of what I would do if I didn't have him -- the thought itself was so unthinkable -- I had no backup plan; I had put all my chips on this one hand of cards. I loved him completely, and that was dangerous, it left me open to loss and pain, but I could not love him any other way.

And now, three years later, I lose track of time gazing at my gorgeous daughter.  Her beauty is something I can't even put in words -- her sweet, girlish smile, feathery little eyelashes, soft peach skin so bright and new it is almost transparent, with a ruddy blush just on the apples of her perfect little cheeks. Her smile, her voice, the tiny curve of her infant smile. I delight in her beauty, and I wonder, why do we have such a complicated relationship with feminine beauty?

A few years ago I went with my husband to an office softball game; while we were there, I met the wife of one of his coworkers. She sat next to me in the bleachers and we chatted about this and that, in a very amicable way.  Her two daughters, who were playing near us, had the most striking, vivid red hair I had ever seen.  In the course of our conversation I remarked, "Your daughters have the most beautiful red hair."

Setting her mouth in a grim line, and responded curtly, "Yes, and two excellent BRAINS underneath as well." She stood up and left immediately. I was taken aback at what seemed to be her assumption that I was implying that her daughters' beautiful hair was their only good quality; of course I did not mean to imply that red hair was their only strength--I only meant to compliment such a lovely feature.

And yet I can't blame her for her protectiveness.  While it was unwarranted (or at least exaggerated) in the case of our conversation, still a mother must feel a strong urge to protect her daughters from being quantified and priced according to physical beauty.

What a shame it is that we live in a place and time in which physical beauty is so exploited that it almost becomes a liability, that we feel we have to deflect, even refuse, compliments. But even in this hostile territory I can't help the lilting chatter that floats out, unbidden, when I see my girl's beautiful face, like sunshine, a perfect sugar-dusted cupcake, a tender dumpling; pure delight: My pretty girl.

More Shenanigans in the Name of Breast Cancer "Awareness"

Ugh.

So we're going to do this again, eh?

Are so many people still not aware of breast cancer that we're going to stoop to any level, no matter how demeaning or useless, in effort to Raise Awareness? (I capitalized "Raise Awareness" out of respect for the Awareness gods, for they are to be worshipped and revered at all times. As it is written: Thou shalt not question any deed done in the name of Awareness. Ever. Even if it's really, really trashy and dumb.)

Well, the Breast Cancer Foundation of Singapore thinks so. Apparently there are so many women, (and I'm presuming men, too, based on their current campaign) who are not yet aware of the existence of breast cancer that they've decided to feature young, perky, bare breasts covered in cutesy body paint in their new campaign designed to  Raise Awareness.

The name of the campaign is, "Are You Obsessed with the Right Things?" The breasts are painted to look like other things that women obsess about: pimples, frizzy hair, a large behind, with the goal being to make them obsess about other issues, like breast cancer.

Because trading one obsession for another is such a healthy approach, right?

If I sound like I'm taking this personally, I am.  Both my mother and grandmother were afflicted with this horrible disease. I want women to know about the disease. I want them to know how to prevent it, diagnose it and treat it. I want a cure. I don't want to get it myself, for heaven's sake. But when it comes to these kinds of campaigns I have a real problem with their execution.

Because, once again, it's the boobs that get the attention.  It's all about the boobs. Not the women. Not their families, their children. Not their precious lives or even their dignity. Nope. It's about boobies. Paint 'em up, encourage everyone to look at them and then throw in a suggestion to buy a pink ribbon in order to prove that you support the cause.

This campaign falls right into place with the many other tacky, insensitive and downright sexist attempts at promoting breast cancer awareness that have come down the pipes:

• Tipsy (or Tips) for Ta-tas dinners
• Save the Ta-tas  bumper stickers (Because who cares about the women? Just save their boobs!)
• The wearing of anything featuring big, funny boobs as a show of support for breast cancer patients and research
• Posting your bra color as your Facebook status (Read more about my take on that here.)

Sure, some these methods may be humorous and attention-grabbing but in the long run do they really serve to further the cause of women?  How can we demand that women's health be taken seriously when the very people who are supposed to be working on our behalf (like the Breast Cancer Foundation) distribute these kinds of images in the public arena and make a mockery of  the very disease and its victims they claim to support and represent?

Even the pink  merchandising of food, drinks, appliances and other goods can be a mixed blessing. Yes, this helps raise money for cancer causes, but it also has the effect of placating buyers into thinking they've done something meaningful when really they just bought some yogurt or a plastic spatula.

I'm curious what you guys think about this topic. Why has breast cancer taken on such a campy tone and why are we so tolerant of it? Any thoughts?

Modest Swimwear and Activewear: The Next Generation

Modest swimwear has a pretty bad rap, especially online.  Many a blogger without a topic to write about has, from time to time, relied on various "modest" contraptions to entertain his online audience. And frankly, one can see why: there is the swimsuit which resembles a beekeeper uniform, then the frightful housedress-and-wetsuit ensemble which, to me, evokes thoughts of polygamy more than going swimming--the list goes on and on.  (My secret belief is that these atrocious ensembles are actually contrived by people trying to make modesty look bad, but of course this is difficult to confirm.)

I have been reluctant to step into the fray, primarily because if one so much as mentions modest clothing nowadays, one is always accused of "telling people what to wear." (Curiously, it doesn't work the other way 'round with those promoting revealing clothing, but that is a topic for another day.)  Additionally, standards of external modesty differ, so instead of endorsing any particular clothing I have tried to focus my efforts on helping young people make better choices in their relationships in general. 

And yet, the majority of newcomers to this blog have alighted here after searching for modest bathing suits--or so I am told. Therefore I feel obliged to report on the new generation of modest activewear, the kind which will not cause you to flee in fear.

Over the summer I have been conducting an informal contest of sorts, and the good news is that we have some winners.  Modest activewear has come a long way since the "Little House on the Prairie" days. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

The first item I tried out, which shall remain nameless to spare its creator any embarrassment, was a sort of culottes made from light grey nylon. The idea is great--a split skirt that resembles a skirt while walking, but when exercising, gives you the freedom of pants.   As you may know, the original long split skirts were developed in the Victorian Era for horseback riding so that women could sit astride a saddle rather than having to ride side-saddle.  Alas, this modern culottes adaptation, being made of nylon and Lycra, doesn't quite work in the execution: although the crotch seam is dropped considerably, it doesn't resemble a skirt (or pants, or really anything at all for that matter). The overall effect is what you might expect when a bunch of unflattering, stretchy material folds over in lumps, creases and rolls--and it is all attached to you.  I knew something was wrong when my husband told me, "It looks fine, darling--as long as you stay on the bike.  Just whatever you do, don't get off the bike."

This was his subtle, super-nice way of signaling that this was not his favorite outfit. Needless to say, I moved on.  Just because you have your counter-cultural tendencies doesn't mean you want to look like Weird Modest Girl. Or, for that matter, Ali Baba.

But then I discovered HydroChic.  HydroChic sells a whole line of capris, swimshirts, and skirts that are meant to be worn without a bathing suit underneath.  At left is one of their super-comfortable swim outfits (specifically, Seabreeze Sporty Stripe 3/4 Sleeve Swim Surf Top paired with Long Water Skirt/Attached Pants for coverage--comes with a sportswear swim-bra as well). I swam in it at the cottage, I wore it bike riding, and--this was truly the test--it held up while I was chasing after four little boys at the water park. I felt comfortable during all these activities, primarily because the high-quality stretch spandex/nylon combo dried off very quickly, but also because I didn't have to worry about sunscreen except for my face (the garment has a SPF of 50+).  Best of all, with its fitted skirt and concealed nylon swim leggings, it really looks great. This was definitely one of my favorites this summer (although, no, that is not me in the picture). 

 
Now, I know some people searching for modest bathing suits are simply in the market for a cute retro one-piece à la ReVamp; then there are others who wouldn't consider the above outfit modest enough. I'm not here to judge.  But if you're looking for something with a slightly longer skirt (HydroChic's longest just grazes the bottom of the knee) then Modiwear, maker of the blue suit at left, sells a bunch of different modest swim-and-activewear combos which hit well below the knee. Batsheva Asbell, the founder of Modiwear, sat down with me in her Toronto home and shared her journey to creating alternative swimwear that "focused on the person rather than the body": 

"I was inspired by my experience at a separated women's beach in Ashdod [Israel]. The women were mostly from Jerusalem and wore robes and oversized T-shirts over their bathing suits. They couldn’t swim very well and although they were just thrilled to be in the water, they spent most of their time pulling their coverings down.  In addition,  I had heard a story of a woman in Florida who lost her life because her wet robe overtook her ability to keep herself from being pulled under.  My conscience was hit and I felt obligated to make a difference.  I call it a 'Modisuit' because it is flexible for an array of activities, and it included a world of women who were concerned not only about modesty, but also, those concerned about any medical issue."

Although Modiwear's skirt is longer, it also features the stretch spandex/nylon skirt over thin leggings--a winning combination.  Batsheva told me that a lot of women are wearing her suits "to go to the waterpark, then go to a restaurant, and then go home."  I suppose it depends on how fancy the restaurant is, but the garment does dry quickly, so you needn't put other clothing over something wet, nor change at all after swimming, necessarily--certainly a huge advantage when managing young children.  Modiwear also makes children's suits which are adorable. (They don't have a website yet but you can email their office to find out more, or to place your orders here: modiwear@3web.net.)  

Now obviously, these kind of outfits which include three or four pieces and lots of material are going to be pricier than a string bikini that I could floss my teeth with.  So expect to pay between $120-$140 for the whole modest shebang. 

But personally, I think it's well worth it.  How many times have you heard women using modesty as an excuse not to get out there and get active?  If the Gibson girls could do it in the 1900s, then now so can you.

Eat, Pray, Love Dad!

So I was reading Eat,Pray,Love  by Elizabeth GIlbert because the movie is coming out and I wanted it fresh in my head for when I see it. Around page 285 she begins to reflect on her relationships. She talks about how her father, being a good feminist father, stayed out of her decisions. She talks about how in a different time in Western society her father would have sat down with the men in her life to find out whether or not he is a suitable candidate. asking such questions as "What are your intentions? How are you going to support you and my daughter?" and many other questions she can't bring herself to ask her mates. Throughout the book Gilbert talks about her many relationship mishaps.

It made me wonder if Gilbert's father had gone against "the times" and put himself in the life of his daughter how differently her life may have been. (I'm sure she wouldn't want to change it now what with having a best-selling book and a movie in which she is played by Julia Roberts. Julia Roberts!! Who wouldn't want her to play you? She doesn't even look like me and I think that would be awesome, but anyway...)

There are mounds of research, both faith -based and secular about how important the father-child, not just father-daughter relationships are. I can't list them all here but one I really liked is Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker.

Dads are a huge deal but for some reason, well-- many a reason actually--dads have been given a diminished role in the world. I remember one class I had the professor asked if we could name TV shows or movies where there was an intact family but the catch was the dad could not be a buffoon. we were left with "Seventh Heaven," and that was it.  I do not think there is one thing to blame for this. I think it is a cycle of social changes, then life influencing art which in turn, influenced life again.

I know many fathers who are wonderful and do take the time to get involved in thier kids lives--my own included. I put my faith in the fathers of the future that they will be the best men they can be and raise the best kids they can.  Should that include being involved in their kids' relationship decisions?  What do you think?

What Our Sons See

I am the happy, busy mom of three kiddos.  I have two talkative girls and one lively 9-year-old boy sandwiched between them on the familial timeline.  Raising a boy is no easy task.  My mental hat goes off to ANY mom that has more than one boy.  Boys' issues are so very different than girl's issues.  As my little guy grows older and my ever-vigilant gaze sweeps over our culture, I am becoming increasingly aware of what I need to teach him in the realm of women and modesty.

Modesty is not just a women's issue.  No matter how many times we blog about it, no matter how many modest clothes we purchase, let's face it, our boys are going to need to adapt some hefty visual survival skills in this world.  There are a plethora of visual snares and traps that our sons are going to struggle with and be tempted by and, realistically, I know that they ARE going to see things no matter how hard we try to protect them.

My little guy, Jacob, is the happiest little man.  He has a huge sunny smile, a contagious laugh and these heartbreakingly big brown eyes with an enviable set of eyelashes.  (Why do the boys always get the good lashes?)  He is so full of life and vitality that there are times when my mother's heart just aches b/c I know the struggles and temptations that he's going to eventually face as he matures into young adulthood.

My husband and I have begun preparing him with tips and tools that he's going to need to employ when he becomes the man of honor that we are guiding him to be.  Dialogue about modesty, modest women and how a real man averts his gaze when an immodest situation presents itself has become more commonplace in our household lately.  When we pass the magazine rack in the grocery store, I encourage all of my kids to avert their eyes and I explain to them that viewing women in various states of undress damages both developing girlhood's self-esteem and developing boyhood's view and respect of women.

We wish for our son to hold women in high esteem.  I do not want him to view a woman as a visual object, simply there to gratify his lust on the glossy, impersonal pages of a magazine.  I know that many might disagree with this line of thought and argue that there's no harm in looking....but....there is harm....great harm.

Every journey begins with one step and I firmly believe that future lust, spousal dissatisfaction, infidelity, pornographic addiction and sexual violence start with just a simple look, a tiny thought....a small seed of lust.  It begins with a young, impressionable mind, encouraged to view images that aren't reality, images that mercilessly chip away at the dignity of women and the respect that used to be so commonly due them.

No, that is not what I want for my son.  While I cannot protect him from it all, I CAN give him the tools, the warnings and the invaluable instruction to help him stand strong in the face of visual temptation.  

I want him to know the rich fullness and satisfaction of his future wife's love.  I want him to value her and not have his mind cluttered with the ridiculous images that our culture is so fond of ingesting.  

For him to value a woman, he must learn to follow his father's example and avert his eyes, change the channel, throw away the magazine and choose integrity.

Now is the time to instruct the next generation of men to value women.  Your son's future depends on it, his future marriage and mental health depends on it--not to mention the stability of society in general. 

Any thoughts?

Shade Stores Closing Soon

Hello Friends,

I just received an email from one of my favorite modest clothing lines, Shade, announcing that they will soon be closing their stores and website. I'm sad to see the company folding but in these current economic times, I suppose it's not surprising, unfortunately.

Anyhoo, they are liquidating their stock at up to 75% off and everything must go. If you're a fan of Shade and want to get in on this last sale, now is your chance. The company is particularly known for their more modest swimwear so if you're in the market for one, why not take a look?

When I made my decision to become more modest-minded in my clothing choices, Shade was one of the companies I turned to to provide me with great, affordable options. I'm truly sad to see them go.

Shade, you will be missed!

Negotiated Infidelity

Have you ever struggled to keep that rascally boyfriend or husband of yours from running off and sleeping with other women?

Well good news, ladies-- CNN knows how you can keep him, and keep him happy to boot! 

In an exaggerated case of "if you love something, let it go," author Holly Hill advocates that in order to keep a man in a long-term relationship, women should open up to the idea of "Negotiated Infidelity," allowing their man to sleep around, but with established boundaries. (In her own relationship, Holly lets her boyfriend of two years have intercourse with other women, but he is forbidden from spending the night or "spooning" with them afterward.)

This is necessary, Hill argues, because men are "hard-wired to betray women," and are thus incapable of long-term monogamy. It's useless to fight this biological imperative, and women should simply adapt to keeping their men "on a leash, [rather] than let it escape through an unseen hole in the back fence." If we would just lighten up and let our men wander off from time to time, she says, we could live in a world free of cheating, where a new, more realistic version of monogamy could thrive.

Now aside from the obvious contradictions embedded in this kind of thinking (talking about freeing the world from infidelity by introducing more of it) this argument is riddled with misandry. Her demeaning comparison of men to dogs who are unable to control themselves is a startlingly bleak portrayal of the sex, only allowing for a few "heroes" who are able to maintain monogamous relationships. Additionally, if she truly believed men were unfairly programmed by nature to stray from monogamous relationships, why does she still refer to it as "betrayal"?

But, how does one form a lasting relationship with these men, if Holly considers them all to be dirty rotten scoundrels?

If you can't beat them, join them! Hill suggests: "Ideally, the woman will want to stray as well." Women should indulge in a little something on the side just like the boys, "because that will generate her man's competitive nature." So, by cheating on him too, I can make him want to cheat on me less?

Ok, ladies, did you get all that? Here's a recap:

To maintain a lasting relationship you must first: 1) find a worthless man you'd like to be involved with; 2) let him know you're totally okay with him cheating on you (as long as he doesn't cuddle with her, of course); and 3) get busy sleeping around yourself to make him jealous. If all goes to plan, this too could be your happily ever after!

I don't know about you guys, but that sounds like an awful lot of work to me, so here's an alternative:

Instead of assuming the worst of our men and trying to follow suit, why don't we form relationships based in mutual trust and admiration? Instead of establishing complex boundaries of what does and doesn't constitute cheating, why can't we hold our men and ourselves to a single standard of respect among the sexes? Instead of demeaning men and calling them dogs, why don't we give them a reason to want to stick around?

I guess it's clear what I think of this argument (malarkey comes to mind), but I'd be interested in what you guys think. Does negotiated infidelity have a place in the world? If both parties agree on the boundaries is it possible to cheat on someone without actually cheating on them? Sound off!

Hooray for Eric Hutchison

I like Eric Hutchison. I got his album a while ago but I still like it. This week I decided I like it even more. I was listening to one of the songs called, "You don't have to believe me" and it is very sweet. It is him trying to convince this girl she is worthy of love because due to whatever reason, she doesn't feel that she is. And before they get together he needs her to believe that she is good. (Or at least that is how I interpret it)

There are many people in the world who don't have a strong sense of their own value. Due to their life experiences, they have internalized that they aren't worth the best and then someone comes along and wants to show them they are worth much more.

Embracing Your Feminine Side

I read a book recently with a controversial title: Created to Be His Helpmeet by Debra Pearl.  I can just see women bristling at this title, but hear me out.  It was a life-and-marriage-changing book for me.  It was a book that you wanted to throw against the wall, but then it compelled you to pick it up again and finish it. (And then throw it again!)

The premise of the book was basically this: women have lost their femininity, their soft side, their respect and admiration for their husbands, their enjoyment of their children, their love for compassion and good deeds.  Women have become experts at nagging, being bitter, picking people and situations apart, withholding affection from their husbands, jealousy and being dissatisfied with the simple things in life such as cooking and making their house a cozy home.

The author paints a fitting word picture that a woman practicing negativity is like a person practicing the piano.  Even if the piano player has little to no musical skill, if she practices it enough, she will eventually play that piano with ease.  So it is with women practicing negativity and criticism in their marriages.  If we practice this for years and years in our marriages and with our children, we will become so good at it that we won't even realize that we are hitting the notes of discord in our lives, to the detriment of our families.

She compares a negative attitude with our families and our husbands to "emotional adultery".  What our husbands need the most from us is respect, correct?  How many times do we anger our husbands with our sharp words of criticism and complaint?  Which is worse....the husband having a one night affair or the wife spending year upon year nagging him, cutting him down, mocking him in front of family and friends, emasculating him?  When such a man finally has had enough and leaves, even then this woman gets to play the victim card.

She encourages the reader to rethink her words and actions in the marriage.  Do you really want to continually cut your man down to size?  This is the man that you promised at the altar to love and HONOR on your wedding day.  Why shouldn't you put his interests first?  You put your children's interests first, why not your husband's?  Why shouldn't you show him love and respect in front of your children?  He is their father and he loves them!  Why shouldn't you speak highly of him in front of others?  What are you accomplishing by treating him like an idiot like the women in commercials and sitcoms do?  

He is not an idiot.

He loves his children, often works long hours, comes home tired and many times still has work to do when he gets home.  So what if his style of parenting is different then yours!  Your kids need both styles.  Let him parent.

So what if you think he's too hard on the kids.  They need to learn discipline!  

So what if he wants sex when you don't.  How many nights has he been exhausted and yet has stayed up late to hear you talk non stop about some trivial family squabble or held you while you cried because you had PMS?  Treat him as you would like to be treated.  Don't use your many excuses to rebuff his advances....I'm too fat, I'm too old, I'm tired, I'm not in the mood, I'm having a bad hair day...etc, etc, etc.  He doesn't care about your baby weight or your stretch marks!  He loves you!  He doesn't want a Victoria's Secret model, he wants to show his wife that he loves her by being close to her.

Just last night, I was sitting on the couch relaxing and my husband was taking apart the bathroom drain and cleaning out the stinky mold so that it would drain better.  He'd already worked a 9-hour day, plus commute, plus playing with the kids, plus reading to them and putting them to bed.  Do we fully appreciate the sacrifices and devotion that our husbands give to us?  Or have we become experts at negativity and criticism?

Love, honor and respect your husband and he will treat you like a queen.  If not, even the most patient of men will look for it elsewhere later on in life and you will be the plumber working on the pipes late at night.

You know you've seen it.  Bitter older women, raising children through the difficult teen years...alone...working the night shift at the grocery checkout....Don't be that woman.

Be the wife that your husband needs you to be and embrace being loving, soft, tender and most of all, content.  Why do we shy away from these wonderful attributes?  It is natural for us!

I know I'm going to get hammered for this blog, but...thoughts?  Ladies?  :)

Women Speak Up about Megan Fox; Letter to the Editor, Allure 2010

I came across a letter to the editor the other day in the August 2010 Allure magazine that completely caught me by surprise. The previous month's Allure had featured Megan Fox on the cover, with an interview and photo spread inside. I'd read the interview, but I can honestly say that I don't recall much of anything about it except for the fact that Miss Fox likes to use the F-word. Sadly, that was my lasting impression.

Apparently I wasn't the only one who was disappointed by Miss Fox's constant use of four-letter words.

While reading Megan Fox's repeated uses of the "F-bomb", I was reminded of Proverbs 11:22: "Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion." Miss Fox is indeed one of the most beautiful women in the world, but her limited vocabulary makes her incredibly unattractive.

                                                                                                       Amanda Cooper, St. Petersburg, Fl

I found this letter shocking because it was right on the money, someone had the chutzpah to say it and because the magazine actually published it (especially surprising!). I'm tempted to write a letter to the editor to thank her for printing this letter to the editor.

Amanda Cooper wasn't the only reader who was disappointed in both Fox and Allure. Others wrote in and complained. They used words like, "snooty...self-centered, immature, and unfriendly", and in retrospect, after remembering more of the interview, I reluctantly had to agree that she did come across that way.

There's a part of me that feels bad for Miss Fox and the criticism her interview received since she's quite young and impressionable herself. She's entering the world of womanhood in Hollywood, perhaps one the most hostile environments in which to be a woman. This is a place where it seems it's expected that young women prove their maturity by being sexy, mouthy, provocative and risque as much as possible. Apparently, being even marginally nice isn't cool.

But, I'm glad that there are women who are willing to speak up and let it be known that not everyone is impressed by the bad-girl attitude and constant use of foul language. Some of us would enjoy reading interviews that highlight a woman's substance, her point of view and her life experience. And perhaps a more expansive vocabulary. There may be times when the use of swear word adds some punctuation to a statement (at least to some...I tend not to agree), but with constant use that effect is lost (if it ever existed in the first place) and the "limited vocabulary" just ends up reflecting poorly on the speaker, as Miss Cooper's letter proves. 

Thank you Amanda Cooper, for saying what many of us were thinking. You hit the nail on the head.