Modestly Yours

Colorado Teen Fights to Have Racy Senior Picture Published in Yearbook

I came across this article the other day and thought it would make for an interesting discussion her on Modestly Yours.

Recently a Colorado teenager named Sydney Spies was told that her choice for her senior picture would not be published in her school's yearbook because the picture was too racy. In the picture Spies is wearing a short yellow skirt and a black shawl tied about her chest in place of a shirt, leaving her shoulders and midriff bare.

Spies was told by the book's editors that the picture did not follow the school's dress code and could not be used as her senior portrait, although it could still be published as a senior ad. She was also given the opportunity to submit another photo for her senior portrait,  but declined. The five editors of the year book insist the decision to not publish Spies' picture was theirs, and not the administrators, although administrators backed their decision. 

“We are an award-winning yearbook. We don’t want to diminish the quality with something that can be seen as unprofessional,” said student Brian Jaramillo.

Spies, along with her mother, are now pursuing legal action against the school for supporting the editors' decision not to run the picture as a senior portrait.  “I feel like they aren’t allowing me to have my freedom of expression. I think the administration is wrong in this situation, and I don’t want this to happen to other people.”

Somehow I find it hard to believe that Miss Spies is really all that concerned with "freedom of expression" for herself or anyone else. Rather, I get the sense that we're dealing with a young woman who's gotten her way so often that she doesn't know how to submit to the word, "no". Consequently, she's unable to recognize the inappropriateness of her attire for this particular publication and she's unable to accept limits placed on her by others whose authority supersedes her own in a given instance. Neither one of these facts bode well for her future as a successful adult unless she's willing to humbly accept the fact that she's not always going to get her way, and that that is a good thing, even if it doesn't seem so at the time.

I also have to question the role of her mother in this situation, showing up at protests and meetings with administrators and lawyers, all in an effort to get her daughter's racy photo published as a senior picture in a school yearbook. If Miss Spies is grown up enough to insist on her getting her way in this case, then perhaps it's time to let her take on the establishment on her own as well. It's ironic that the girl in the grown-up photo still needs mom to hold her hand when it comes time to fight to have it published.

Maybe she's not so grown-up after all? Just a thought.

 

 

 

Why My Kids Aren't Going to Date

I wrote a blog a bit ago on my site about kids and dating, raising teens, etc.  There have been a few books that I have been reading lately on the subject.  I just finished The Hurried Child:  Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon by David Elkind, Ph.D.  I HIGHLY recommend this book.  It was extremely illuminating.

After much thought and consideration my husband and I have made the decision to help our kids wait to date until they are much older....old enough to consider marriage.  

This position is obviously going to come under attack, but I don't see the harm in waiting and nobody is squelching anyone's feelings.  People's feelings come and go all of the time....for example, you can have a crush on your dentist, but that doesn't mean you act on it.  Self-control is a virtue.

There have been some negative reactions to my blog post.  People feel that we might be damaging our children in the long run by encouraging them to wait. 

I'd love to hear your (respectful) thoughts on the subject.  Debate is good.  Attacking and insulting people is not good.  Let's keep it decent.  

Plus, you can check out art while you're reading.  :)

 

Babies Bring Out the Best

I recently read a charming little post, the reflections of a new mom (new mom to her 9th child!!) on what a baby can do! I particularly liked this paragraph:

I’m walking down the aisle in Walmart, and here comes a wave of teenage girls, with hard mouths and stick thin legs, ironed hair, nasty, razor-slashed clothing, eyes blackened with enough eyeliner to make a raccoon gasp in shame. They strut forward in a loud and arrogant swarm. Once they’re close enough to glimpse the top of my newborn baby’s feathery little head, and they all . . . collapse. They absolutely collapse and turn to helpless, gibbering, cooing froth, utterly powerless before a bundle of pink the size of a small loaf of bread. Phew! Western civilization isn’t over yet: girls still like babies.

Read more here.  

Indeed, it is lovely to see that babies have a way of bringing out the best in us!

Happy Holidays everyone!

Living Plain

I have been on a spiritual odyssey lately and part of my wanderings led me to a website by Isabel, also known as "Quaker Jane." In a particularly stirring account of being led to Plain Dress almost in spite of herself, she writes about how she began her shift to plain dress through "a particular style of bonnet":

After several months of Googling thousands of pages deep for the word "bonnet," I found what I was looking for on a website about "prayer coverings." This discovery was quite disturbing to my feminist mind. And yet, I would wake up in the middle of the night and go to the website and moon over the bonnet. I felt possessed. I finally bought the black bonnet and a white cap, put them in the closet and breathed a sigh of relief.

The way she describes this process is almost as if she were being "wooed" by the bonnet, this idea of the bonnet and what it represented, and she didn't stop until she found her way to a new religion and a new way of life.

Her story is rooted in a religious search, but I think there is something universal there -- the feeling of wanting more and of needing to distinguish oneself from the surrounding world. I wonder how many of us -- religious or not -- found our way to the modesty conversation for the same reasons.

More on Sex Ed

After I read “Why Sex Ed Isn’t Working” a few weeks ago, I thought it might be helpful to share my perspective as a public school graduate who experienced comprehensive sex education (as opposed to abstinence-only sex ed).

I’m in college now, but my high school health class promoted abstinence while also teaching us about available birth control methods, their relative effectiveness, and how to use them safely. We also learned about the biology and stages of pregnancy, different types of STDs, and relationship skills to help us discuss our beliefs about sex and our sexual histories with partners. 

While it’s possible that somewhere, some teacher is throwing condoms to kids like candy, in my experience that was not the case. A teacher who “shows [teens] how to have sex and lots of it with just a condom” would be a blatantly irresponsible educator.

 Everything in my class was presented from a strictly medical standpoint, anatomical diagrams and all—it all sounded about as exciting as assembling a model airplane. Students wanted to hear erotic details even less than the teachers wanted to talk about them—that is to say, we would have rather gouged out our ears with our number two pencils. Personally, everything “graphic” that I’ve been exposed to has come courtesy of the media.

The school brought in a professional abstinence advocate to speak with us. He was funny and approachable—a far cry from my preconceived notions about the type of person who’d make abstinence education a career. As a teen who’d already decided to save sex for marriage, I really appreciated his insights, which reaffirmed my decision and assured me that I was not alone. A second guest speaker was a single mom in her 20s who had given birth while attending our high school. She spoke frankly and honestly about her experiences, and her perspective was invaluable.

This might be surprising, but I also really  appreciated learning about contraception. After all, unless they are opposed to all forms of birth control (which is a separate topic), even people who wait for marriage will need this information eventually. Having learned about this in school as opposed to secondhand from friends or online, I know that my information is correct. I feel confident that I will be able to make informed decisions when my future husband and I plan our family. I’m fortunate to have access to other sources of information through my parents and my doctor, but other students aren’t so lucky, and their school may be the best source they have.

I agree that a teenager with a box of condoms he has no idea how to use is a health risk. So, in my opinion, is a teenager who has compiled his own version of “sex education” from his friends because his teachers are legally compelled to teach nothing but abstinence.

I agree very much that today’s society is oversexed. Too many teens (and tragically, younger children) have begun to equate sex with maturity and adulthood. It is up to teachers and caring parents to show them what adulthood really means: making informed and empowered decisions for our hearts and bodies, regardless of the pressures of our friends, our partners, or the media. I believe that this is our best chance at reducing the rates of teen pregnancy and STDs.

Whatever Happened to the Slip?

Recently I had a conversation with some friends online regarding the use, or disuse, of the slip. Remember those things? They were made of cotton or satin and were worn under dresses and skirts. Where I'm from they were pretty much mandatory, if memory serves me well.

So it got me to wondering: What ever happened to the slip?

According to my friends' responses, no one wears them anymore. One did say that she'd found a few for her daughters at a garage sale but she never wears one herself.   They seemed almost incredulous when I pointed out that I always wear one.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned (very probable) or just uber self-conscious about these things, but I can't imagine wearing a dress or skirt, even a very long one, without a slip. For one thing, there's the risk of something being see-through, and while it might sound silly, on a breezey day a slip can help offer some reassurance that even if your dress or skirt does accindently blow upwards, you're still relatively covered.

Then there's the dreaded VPL.

Visible. Panty. Line.

This is the one I really hate. I simply can't stand the thought of having my under things making an appearance even when I've diligently tried to prevent it. Even loose fitting dresses and skirts will show a VPL when the cloth lays agains the body. Matte jersey is especially terrible in this way, although I love it for its comfort. Wearing a slip helps prevent this.

I know dresses and skirts aren't as popular for women and girls as they once were, but I guess I didn't realize how much the times have changed since I was a girl. I remember the girl's department at Sears always having a rack of girl's under things, including slips, in various colors and styles and lengths. Some had lace. Some had little rosettes stitched at the neckline. They were always pretty and soft and when I wore one I felt like I was really dressed up.

While it's certainly not the end all be all, I do feel bad that I can't offer my daughter this little bit piece of girlhood and in this way teach her how and why to practice modesty. 

 

Why Sex Ed Isn't Working

I came across this article this morning.

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2011/08/16/why-sex-education-wont-work/

I've always been a huge advocate of teaching children the long term benefits of abstinence.  The benefits are huge physically, emotionally and spiritually.    It has always been a puzzlement to me as to why there is so much resistence in teaching our children about abstinence.  

I came from a background where my parents drilled abstinence into me from a young age.  I absolutely knew the consequences of sex before marriage, but my parents also taught me the beauty of waiting for my husband.  Sex was something that I knew was in my future...it was something beautiful that I looked forward to sharing with the one person who would be my soulmate.  It wasn't something to give to several people. 

Waiting and anticipating sex certainly won't kill teens, but STD's, abortions and the like just might.   Just think, teens have been waiting to have sex until marriage for thousands of years and they've done it with the help of their families and societies.  Why, in this "enlightened" age, do we think that we can do it better by allowing them free reign in this area?

How stupid are we to think that we can show them how to have sex and lots of it with just a condom.  Condoms don't work with irresposible teens.  It's as simple as that.  Our society is blind to teaching the hard facts that the consequences of pre-marital sex are huge and lifelong.  

Who wants to be the parent of that 17 year old girl in the article who has 3 STD's and is pregnant?  My children deserve the best and sex ed is certainly a far cry from the best.

Thoughts?

 

 

More Finger-Pointing and Name Calling from Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris

According to this article on CNN, Hugh Hefner is claiming that his ex, Crystal Harris, lied about their sex life when she went on the Howard Stern show a few months ago.  Now Hef has gone on record, also on Stern's show, to defend himself and his bedroom prowess.

In truth, I'm not even sure what the public is supposed to do with this information. Is there anyone who actually believes that Hefner still has the stamina of a 25 year old? I almost feel sorry for him because it seems he's the last one to be let in on the joke, you know the joke being him, an 80 something year old man who still believes his own hype and thinks everyone else does too. It's just pathetic.  Of course he's made millions allowing and encouraging women to do the same to themselves for his benefit, so I guess I don't feel all that bad for him after all.

I also find it interesting that women are beginning to come out and say what's it's really like behind closed doors at the Playboy Mansion. I wonder if things have always been that way or if the younger women feel more free, or even enticed by publicity, to talk about it. There's definitely money and attention to be gained by spilling the beans about their experiences there, whether positive or negative, but I think it's also more safe and acceptable to speak out about the truth of what happens behind the scenes, too, nowadays.

I saw a show recently that featured a number of older women who had posed in the magazine back in the 70's and  80's gathered at a convention, signing autographs and talking with the public. They seemed to have a high regard for their experience with Playboy, which makes me wonder if things were different back then (not that it would change my opinion of the organization) or if they just put up with the same stuff and accepted it without complaining?

Thoughts?

Tyranny of Fashion

It's late July, and by this time in my hometown in Florida the charm of summer is wearing thin. On a "cool" day, it's in the high 80s. The sun beats down, unless the rain is beating down, and then when it does, instead of cooling off, it creates a steam like a sweat lodge, covering the entire town, opening our pores and sending the sweat streaming down our faces.

The charm of fashion also wears thin by this time in the season. I have two young kids and still about half of the baby weight, and I don't feel comfortable in public wearing shorts. While many people have religious or ethical reasons for avoiding shorts, for me it is a practical concern -- I spend the whole time that I am wearing shorts trying to make sure I don't bend or move in the wrong way to expose midriff, cellulite, this or that stretch mark. While taking care of my son or daughter, it is impossible to avoid the improper motions, and I just feel uncomfortable all around. This does not even take into account the difficulty of keeping ones legs shaven with 15 maximum minutes of shower time per day.

I try to address this by buying new jeans. I am losing weight slowly but surely, and am in between sizes -- to small for my "big" jeans, but still much too big for my smaller ones. So I take a trip to a thrift store and find three pair that fit me pretty well.

And yet still I feel uncomfortable. Jeans keep me covered well enough but they are also very hot. There is a reason I wear them all winter, and it means they are not suited for the summer. Maybe it is not even the weight of the cloth that bothers me, but the tyranny of fashion and sizing. A pair of jeans wants to be form fitting, and in order to be comfortable, it must fit in a dozen different places -- waist, hip, upper thigh, lower thigh, leg length, and rise. And on top of that it should be somewhat fashionable, not stick way out in the back when I sit down, be tight enough to stay up but not so tight that it makes a muffin-top. And for all of these different elements of fit, ladies get just one number. One number to explain a small waist and ample hips, legs shorter or longer than the manufacturer expects, the fact that I like or don't like the fabric to cling too closely or be too loose in this spot or that spot.

One fateful morning I have to leave home before I have done my laundry, and I reach for the only thing available -- a big flowy three-tiered skirt that I bought two years ago on sale. It is a revelation -- not too tight, not too loose. Cool and comfortable, but modest. Feminine without being silly. Neither juvenile nor matronly. I can bend down to pick up one of my kids or to tie someone's shoe, I can sit in a restaurant chair without everyone being able to see down the back of my pants, and I still look like me. In fact, I look even more like me.

So I declare a revolution. Down with the tyranny of finding jeans that fit. I keep the jeans I have, and I will still wear them, but only when I want to. I stalk through consignment and thrift stores and fill the length of my closet with lovely, long, floating skirts. I don't worry about what I look like when I leave my house, not because I don't care, but because I know the long skirt has my back(side).

Sometimes, modesty just makes sense.

Anthony Weiner's Resignation and the Lesson We All Should Learn

This is cross posted on JewintheCity.com.

So Congressman Anthony Weiner has resigned. Apparently a politician involved in lewd online behavior, who lies about aforementioned lewd online behavior when caught, is frowned upon by the general public. But how many regular people have recently found themselves in an embarassing (albeit less extreme) situation when they assumed that their online indiscretions were discreet?

I'm talking about Facebook spam. Stories, pictures, and headlines have been popping up in my newsfeed of late, claiming that many of my Facebook friends have "liked" stories of a sexual, often voyeuristic nature. As giving people the benefit of the doubt is a big principle in Judaism, I have done my best to assume that some of the people caught this spam by accidentally clicking on a story in one of their friend's feed while others had their accounts hacked, but the truth is that probably many of these people were just curious to see whatever it was that the headline described and figured that no one would ever know.

But instead of no one ever knowing, the incident got broadcast to everyone they know! There's an idea in Judasim that God sometimes punishes us "mida k'neged mida" ("measure for measure") so that the punishment fits the crime. In this case it could mean that if we think we can get away with certain behaviors by sneaking around, then the punishment we receive is to have our misdeeds publicized. Apparently the creators of Facebook spam believe in this principle too!

While it's been embarassing to see such stories pop up, I think there's actually something useful about this phenomenon. When we navigate online, we often have the false impression that stories we read, the pictures we see, and the videos we watch are completely private. But as our sages tell us in Ethics of the Fathers, “…Know what is above you – a watchful Eye, an attentive Ear and all your deeds are recorded in a Book.”

Surfing the net alone in a room might make us feel like our activities are on the down low, but we must always remember that they are being recorded from Above. Since it's hard to connect with the goings-on of the Heavens, social media spam (or at least the fear of it) helps make the notion of being watched much more concrete. It's unfortunately too late for Anthony Weiner, but for the rest of us there's still a chance to save face.