Modestly Yours

Neither Men Nor Mice

Hello! And greetings from sunny New York! My name is Hannah, this is my first blog post, and I would like to share this article I came across in the NY Times: "Neither Men Nor Mice." I liked it because it puts the reality of the male/female double standard on the table, and (more importantly!) reinforces the message that men and women are different. 

However, I was not so thrilled with the black-and-white statement directed to women, in the third to last paragraph--"Ultimately, women must be more mindful and use greater finesse when conveying their messages..." 

Don't we all need to be "more mindful"' when we communicate, and to create harmonious environments AND attain our goals...?

More Reason to Grieve

I went to a funeral today. A particularly sad one. There were many grieving young people there, a good number of them women. I was struck first by the sheer tragedy of the death, the painfully young widow who gave a touching eulogy. 

 I was then struck by the dress of the young female mourners. And I really don’t mean this in a "tsk, tsk" kind of way, but they were not dressed well. Most of the girls looked like they were on their way to a prom or Spring formal. Some knew enough to wear black, but the outfits they wore were sleeveless and halfway up the thigh, while their heels were strappy and “sexy.” There were some who actually sported ensembles that were backless. This was in stark contrast to the men at the funeral who were mostly in their military dress. 

Naturally, these girls meant no offense, but they simply have not been taught how to dress for such an occasion. It is as if the only look they’ve been taught is “sexy, sexy, sexy.” It’s sad, really. It’s one thing for a girl to know how to dress to attract a suitor or “turn on” her husband, but you know things just aren’t right when certain people don’t know how or when to turn it off. 

As is often that case, the mode of dress reflects an interior disposition. Our culture seems only to teach women how to attract a man, but not how to care for one or, when the time comes, to grieve or to help others grieve for one. You may think that that isn’t something that needs to be taught, that “everyone grieves in her own way.” But we ought to be taught these things -- just as our mother nursed us through our first knee scrape or lost pet. 

And so I am left to wonder, and worry: If something as basic as how to dress at a funeral is not being handed down to these young women, are the more important virtues and behaviors lacking too?

"How Is Married Life?"

A few months ago, after a whirlwind romance, I married and was whisked off to London from New York by my British husband. As we settle in to our new life I have observed a question that acquaintances often ask us: "How is married life?" I am not sure why the question always surprises me, takes me off guard. The question is harmless and well-meaning. And since it's a cliche, I think that people are barely aware that they are asking it. The words just flow out of people without thought. However, I never quite know how to answer the question except by responding with something banal: "Great!" or "New and exciting but an adjustment" or "Really nice!"

I think that this exchange of banalities occurs because the question itself (although seemingly kind) may be unconsciously thoughtless and even immodest. We have come up with this answer: "Thank you for your interest, but we feel the need, as Henry Fielding writes in Joseph Andrews, 'to draw a curtain over this scene.'"

What might be a better question to ask a newly married couple? And what might be a more thoughtful response to the trite question?

A Love of Bullying

Valentine's Day has come and gone. Love is in the air. I'm sorry to say it's not alone.

Here in Massachusetts, bullying is in the air, and it's being taken to new levels. After a 15-year-old girl recently committed suicide, Boston Globe writer, Kevin Cullen, penned a stirring piece that's been widely read: The untouchable Mean Girls. 

Has the message been widely absorbed, though? Some local schools are holding meetings and are beginning to address the issue of bullying. It's no longer something that only takes place face-to-face during school hours or extracurricular activities. When a girl returns home, she's able to close the door on the abuse and just be with the people she loves and cares about, right? 

Maybe in ages past. Bullying is alive and well 24-7 thanks to text messaging and Facebook posts - cyberbullying is relentless. So, what can we do about all bullying and in particular about girls bullying girls (relational aggression)? 

I don't know the answer to this question, but that's part of the reason for this post. What are the contemporary root causes of it? What are good preventive strategies? What are possible consequences & solutions? What's going on in other parts of the country?

Here are some of my thoughts/questions: 

• Unfettered use of technology by teens needs to be addressed by parents and schools. We see this issue with teen "sexting" too. Laissez-faire parenting doesn't cut it. Parents need to educate their kids on the Golden Rule as well as set firm limits on tech. devices and their expectations for proper use. Adults need to shed their own tech. addictions if they expect their kids to. Teens don't respect hypocrites. They need good modeling. 
• Schools need to hold assemblies/meetings with students and parents to create a culture of change. The nurse and administration at my school are being pro-active about this. Students are being informed of criminal charges that will be punishable by law. Prosecutors are looking into cyberbullying. All these communications can be traced. The message is: "You will be held accountable for your actions." Teens live under the illusion that their emails, texts, and posts are private or self-contained.  
•  Does modern-day girl bullying largely stem from sexual competition or something else? What role does a sexualized culture play in its escalation? How does it draw out aggression? How can modesty play a positive role in reshaping girl culture? Good girls need positive, strong peer groups to rely on.  

I can't help but turn these questions over in my mind as a teacher, as I look at the faces of my 15 year-old girls. I see such a light in their eyes, such a beauty. How can they better see this in one another? 

Color Me Modest

Pink

 

Nude

 

White

 

Nothing yet ;)

 

If you’re an avid Facebook user, then you probably remember seeing these random color status announcements posted by women a few weeks ago. Perhaps you were even gutsy enough to post a color yourself. It was for a good cause, you know: Breast Cancer Awareness. At least I think that’s what it was all about. That’s what I was told anyway.

 

Supposedly, in an effort to raise awareness about breast cancer, thousands of women received memes instructing them to post their bra color in a show of support. They were then encouraged to send the meme on to their female friends and get them to post their color as well.  No one was supposed to spill the beans about what the color statuses were all about, though. That way it would remain a fun little secret just for the women.

 

Lots of women took part in the meme. I’m sure they considered it both funny and helpful.

 

I wasn’t one of them.

 

Instead of sharing my color I posted this:

 

My grandmother, who is now deceased, suffered from breast cancer and went through chemotherapy and radiation treatment. She eventually had a mastectomy. This meme would have embarrassed and angered her. Many women who’ve had breast cancer no longer have breasts and therefore don’t need bras anymore. For them, the topic of bras can be painful and even humiliating. Encouraging mammograms and self-exams is helpful. Sharing your bra color is not.

 

While I expected some comments, I have to admit I wasn’t prepared for the responses I received. A few were supportive of my stance. Most chided me for taking the meme so seriously and encouraged me to “lighten up”.  Someone even quoted a verse from the Bible about laughter being good medicine. A few had the nerve to inform me that my grandmother (whom they'd never met) would have wanted me to be happy and have fun with the game.

 

But somehow I just couldn’t see the humor.

 

I kept remembering the hospital stay and the radiation treatments with their resulting burns that covered her entire chest, neck and back. My mom had to rub salve on her burns every day. It was excruciating for everyone involved. The only thing my grandmother could swallow during that time were slushy drinks from Dairy Queen. Under normal circumstances, it’d be a treat to go for ice cream with your grandma. With her mouth full of ulcers and thrush and her torso covered in burns those daily trips to Dairy Queen became more about survival than having a good time.

 

Try as I might, I just don’t recall any of that being funny.

 

And I had to wonder about all the breast cancer survivors who don’t require bras anymore. How did this meme make them feel? One the comments I received pointed out to me that “most of them are just happy to be alive”--I suppose meaning that they shouldn’t be complaining. 

A friend pointed me to a blog post by Susan Niebur, a breast cancer survivor, which confirmed to me that while my opinion wasn’t a popular one that day, it wasn’t completely off-base. 

 

Susan said it so much better than I ever could have: “It’s time for a little less awareness, and a little more action.” (And in this case, since the only thing others were being made aware of was bra color, I’d say complete un-awareness would be entirely acceptable).

 

The fact of the matter is that as devastating as breast cancer is, the ends don't justify the means. Promoting true awareness and action doesn’t require one to compromise one's dignity or common sense. (Would you randomly walk up to all your acquaintances and announce the color of your underwear if you were standing face to face?) And making a game out of a heinous disease is not only insensitive to the victims, but also counter-productive when participation requires concerned on-lookers to “lighten up."

I think it's up to all intelligent women to consider what’s being asked of us, even in a ridiculous meme, and then thoughtfully determine whether or not it merits our participation. In this case it did not. One of the  many benefits of modesty is that it serves to protect not only ourselves but also the sensitivities of others, something that seems to be sorely lacking in our present culture.

So I guess the next time someone starts attacking you for your modesty, just tell them to lighten up.

We're Back

As you may have noticed, this blog has been on hiatus but we've appreciated your comments along the way.

We have been developing a plan for expansion and will keep you posted about exciting developments soon.

For now, we hope you enjoy our new look--as much as we enjoy hearing your insights.

Save the Males!

It's fairly common nowadays to see young girls walking around wearing t-shirts that say things like "Girls Rule the world; Boys just live here" or "Boys are stupid--throw rocks at them!" But, can you imagine the uproar that would ensue if someone made t-shirts with similar sentiments for little boys? What censure would fall on a poor boy brave enough to wear a "Boys rule" shirt? Would rocks actually be thrown at him?

Woman regularly bemoan the double standards that plague our society, but conveniently fail to see the one we've created. In this post-feminist world, where misogyny is considered a crime on par with rape, misandry, or man-hating, is simply the order of the day, reinforced from academia all the way down to the bargain basement of our culture into TV commercials and attitude tees.

Supposedly all this man-hating is just payback for the years we women have been historically oppressed-- Karma balancing things out. Still, I can't shake the feeling that this type of feminism has become little more than the latest societal schoolyard bully, putting everyone else down so she can feel better about herself. Do men really have to be treated like dirtbags for us to be liberated? Do they have to take a turn being oppressed for us to be their true equals?

I don't think so, and neither does Kathleen Parker, a mother of three boys, and author of the book Save the Males: Why Men Matter, Why Women Should Care. I read Save the Males earlier this summer and haven't been able to shake it since. She points out the ways men are being marginalized in society, from their dwindling numbers at institutions of higher learning, to their absence from the home, as more and more women are choosing to become single mothers and fathers' reproductive rights are largely ignored.

Whether you agree with it or not, men are clearly becoming a declining presence in modern society, or at least a less-respected one. As Parker articulated, we've gone from the days of Father Knows Best to the bumbling dads of today's sitcoms and commercials who must have even the most basic things explained to them by their wives and kids.

I think this is an issue inherently tied into the Modesty movement: if we want men to respect us again, it falls to reason that we should follow suit and be respectful ourselves.

So here I am ladies, and gentleman: one reformed formerly self-proclaimed man-hater calling a truce. Men, I promise to be nicer and never, ever, ever let my daughters wear "Girls rule" shirts. In return, I request a moratorium on catcalls on the street and a return to opening doors. I promise I'll let you, and even say thanks. What do you say, guys?

Fashion Victim?

I read in Vogue this month that making women look tough and sexy was back on the agenda of fashion designers.  Seems to me that making women look sexy was never off the agenda.  Necklines are getting lower and lower, and skirts are getting higher and higher.  I don’t follow fashion, because in comparing myself to the pictures on the page, I feel like the least fashionable person on the planet.  

The fact is, I like long skirts, and I don’t feel comfortable wearing a top with a neckline that’s lower than my collarbone.  I especially don’t like showing off my cleavage.

At the same time, I’m always reading in fashion magazines that "women’s clothes are looking more feminine," yet it’s always the same: plunging necklines and side slits.  Honestly, someone needs to give the fashion industry a ring and tell them they got feminine mixed up with sexy.

On the one hand, I suppose whatever makes you feel feminine; on the other, whenever I try to look feminine, I am made to feel by others that I am a frump.  I have actually had people pointing at me and saying to their friends: "look at her skirt!"

I think this is the true meaning of fashion victim.  I, and the other teen girls like me, are the real victims of fashion in that we’ve been forgotten about.  I’m fed up with being left to rot on the compost heap.  It’s time someone told the fashion industry that not all of us care to "flash our flesh," and to stop leaving us out.

Ho Ho Ho and Away We Go

Here we go again. The breathless ad for "HUNG": "Don’t miss the premiere of HBO’s new comedy series. Jane Adams plays Tanya, a struggling poet who unexpectedly lands a new career – as a pimp. Hung airs Sundays at 10pm -- only on HBO"

Well, where else BUT HBO? The place where "transgressive" and "groundbreaking" are automatically compliments. Where finding the new low below the bar is daily sport. Where the newest series revolves around a down-on his-luck but decent fellow who finds a new career as a man-HO. Of course. Carpenter, shoe salesman, truck driver? NAAAAAAH. This guy has an extra-large hmmm to go with his very large heart. So the obvious choice is the Fred Garvin-male prostitute route. And it's not just for him, you see-- it's for the kiddies. He's a divorced Dad with a shrew of an ex-wife and support payments to make.

The ad mentioned above shows a photo of the actress with the large-print word "PIMP" above her head. The companion ad with the actor Thomas Jane does the same with the word "HO", the new shorthand for a culture that can stand the act of sex-for-money but apparently not the damning word "whore". My beef is not that possibly good drama might be made of some of the more seamy aspects of modern life. But the mainstreaming of the squalid sex trade by offering us a pair of typical neighbors (note the "struggling poet" gambit--"aren't we ALL struggling poets, in our own way?"-sniff, sniff) really ticks me off.

There's a lot more to the issue than that, but HBO has a reputation to uphold. Showtime beat them to the raunch with their sleazy suburban mom who sells pot and is currently pregnant with the child of a Mexican drug lord ("Weeds") and they've got to one-up the competition. What a stroke of genius-- the average suburban dad starts prostituting himself.

And another triumph for modern women--Elizabeth Cady Stanton, give a cheer! You, too can be a pimp, a special place in our society that used to be reserved for men only. Ladies, do you see your opportunity here? Or are you as annoyed as I am? 

Too many masks.

I remember, when I started wearing modest clothes on a regular basis, one of the things I noticed was the number of women who glared at me when I was doing totally normal things, like sitting on the bus, or walking down the street.  Don't mistake me - when I say they glared at me, I mean GLARED.  If looks could kill, I would be a smear on the wall.  I always wondered why, and finally settled on the opinion that it was simply because I looked different to them, and to the other women around me.

It seems as good an explanation as any, doesn't it?  It could even be backed up by science, if you wanted it put another way.  There is an instinct in the brain that makes us fear things that are different or unusual.  It probably came in quite handy back in the day ;)

However, the other day I was reading (a fashion magazine, ironically enough) and the author of the piece (to paraphrase) mentioned that women felt compelled to be who they were not, to put a mask on and pretend that they were comfortable with who they were and so on.  I doubt that she intended for her words to be interpreted this way, but the thought crossed my mind - maybe these women glare at me because I do not pretend to be comfortable in the modern fashions?  Perhaps they wish they could dress in what them comfortable, instead of what society dictated they should wear. 

People are always telling me that women choose to dress the way they do.  I must disagree, and not just on the grounds that, as Wendy puts it, 'people wear what they can find'.

I've read several articles in magazines lately that carry the common thread I mentioned above, that of women wanting to be more than what they appear to be.  Should we view this as a sign of hope for the modesty movement?  Perhaps women are finally getting tired of always wearing a mask.